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Dec. 24th, 2012

led astray

christmas eve

Christmas eve, aka my big sister's birthday, is going to be a full day for me.  I showered early so my hair has time to dry curly.  Knitting will commence once this post is finished (all of yesterday I managed to get 2 rows correct and I might go ahead and put a life-line there).  Then therapy at noon, followed by pants shopping.  I aim to get home around 3 to eat lunch and possibly knit some more before heading to Scarn's for dinner and then to see Slutcracker (the holiday burlesque show).  Going to crash at Scarn's with a couple others and then have a leisurely brunch.  
I'm sad I wasn't able to get my sister anything for her birthday,since she always gets me something for mine.  Someday I'll make up for it.

Dec. 21st, 2012


good things this week

In no particular order.
Cuddly Goblin in the bend of my knees as I write this.
Christmas cash from my big sis that will be used to buy pants.
Early delivery of a self-help book I got with dog sitting money.
New med being added to my cocktail (after prior authorization goes through).
Using my hats.
Clever character composition for new tabletop game.
Email from a company that my resume has gone on to round 2.
Complements on my cooking.
Light flirtation with cute checkout guy.

Dec. 12th, 2012

led astray

not bad

Today has been pretty ok, relatively. I'm watching the neighbor's dog for a couple days. A friend from college who directed me in a play came out to see me. We took the dog for a walk and had lunch at Panera. It was good to see her again. It had been 4-5 years. I got a little choked up talking about the brain business, but it wasn't awkward or anything. She's understanding about that stuff. I did some reading and some spinning. The dog has been calm, which is a blessing. Therapy is getting harder. Job search is still depressing. I still miss Corey.

Sunday was really good. Went with angel_heart to Scarn's birthday. We played a fucking hilarious game called Cards Against Humanity. There were hours and hours of laughter, more games, lots of cheese, and good times with friends.

Last night was D&D night. The group has been having trouble getting everyone to show, so the 4 of us who are the core decided to start another game for when the other 2 can't be there, and the DM wants a chance to play. We're doing the Dresden Files RPG. We spent last night coming up with themes and some world building and talked a bit about characters that have connection so we don't have to randomly meet in a tavern to kill rats in the basement. It's going to be a good time.

I know I recently talked about my bitterness. I don't take it back, but I examined it a bit deeper after an anonymous reader decided they needed to give me some pointed armchair analysis. I do have problems, and I don't pretend to have all my shit together. Bitterness is an expression of pain and disappointment and loss. I'm more bitter towards myself than I am anyone else (except maybe my mother). I'm angry at myself for not being easy to be with. I would love to be the put-together girl who is all smiles and support and fun and relaxed and bunnies who shit butterflies. I know I'm not that girl, and I don't think I've hidden it. I told him everything right from the beginning what he was getting into. It breaks my heart to be the girl who's hard to be with. I am working on me, on being a better me. Knowing that the effort is too great for someone to stay with me doesn't negate the pain I feel. I posted a vent, a small outlet for some of what's on my mind. I wanted to share some of the blame instead of feeling like a cancer of the ass of anyone who gets close to me. Was it unfair? Maybe. But I put it somewhere he's not likely to ever see it. The object was not to spit venom at him, just to spit it out of me. I don't know who it was that replied and that eats at me. I don't know why I'm bothering to explain myself. They probably won't have read this anyway.

Dec. 8th, 2012



Sometimes I get an idea stuck in my head.  When this happens I cannot rest until it finds expression (or I start to express it and never finish it like so many yarn projects).  It becomes HUGE in my brain, crowding out regular things like reality and sense.  They come in many forms.  Today it's a bitterness, a double edged weapon I want to thrust into my own belly and then give someone else a running bear hug and stab them too.  A large part of me is tempted to throw it up on facebook and wait for pity, affirmation, or support.  But I think that it would be nasty and hurtful in that forum, so I'm going to put it here, where only a few people who know me pretty well come to check in on me.  It's not for the masses.  

They always say I'm worth it...until the bill comes.

Dec. 5th, 2012

led astray

fitness frustrations

I'm working hard on trying to get fit.  My muscles will only do so much and it's not fast enough for me.  I know I wasn't in the best shape, but I didn't realize how weak I had gotten. My muscles are quick to burn.  I try to balance pushing through the pain with not overdoing it.  Monday I walked 5+ miles.  Tuesday I ran only about half what I had been doing, in consideration for my legs after all that walking.  So there's pain, and then there's pain.  I'm working up to and getting better at running past discomfort.  But then last night I couldn't sleep for my lower legs throbbing.  At 2am (I went to bed around 11pm) I finally got up and took some long acting ibuprofen (and I'll take a moment here to thank science for liqui-caps).  I had scheduled myself to run today.  I didn't run, but I did walk a mile each way to hang out with a friend.  I had to take more ibuprofen and ice my shins once I got to his place.  I have been icing regularly for around 20 minutes 2-3 times per day since returning, again, to exercise.  So now what?  I am ready and willing to do the work, but my body is not reacting well.  I don't want to stop doing it and lose momentum again.  I can work on arms and core stuff, but I am not sure how to do cardio without aggravating my legs.
Tags: ,

Dec. 2nd, 2012

led astray

crafting to distraction

I have accomplished a lot the last few days, but mostly craftwise.  I dyed a bunch of fiber for spinning, completed a scarf and most of a hat for my neighbor, and most of the slide presentation for the lace back of Kir's bolero.  I took some pictures, but it's a bit of a pain in the ass to upload them onto/from my machine.

Staying away from facebook for now so I can maintain emotional distance from the break-up.  Job searching is still one of the most depressing things I know.  I've even been turned down for jobs friends have reccommended me for.  It breaks my heart.  I've been binge eating again.  I know that I know better.  It doesn't help fill up the hole.  Nothing does, so I don't know why I keep trying.  I'm trying to take a stand, to better myself.  I've been doing some exercise here and there.  I was trying to eat better, but that continues to be a tremendous obstacle.  I made a list of questions to ask myself when I'm making a decision.  It has worked a couple of times, so I need to find a way to carry it around with me so I remember to use it all the time.  Keeping my chin up is a job all on its own.  I can get better.  I can gain control of my life and make things better.  I have to believe.  I have to hope.  I have to try.  And I have to let go of my Fear Of Everything and stop using it as a shield to protect me from ridicule.  

Nov. 28th, 2012

led astray

backward dream

Someone I know was acting very uncharacteristically, coming on to me and being adamant about it, but he turned out only want to use me for sex.  At first I was flattered, attracted to him, but was (also uncharacteristically) politely refusing until I figured out he wanted to use me.  Then, despite parts of me kicking myself for turning down something I had previously wanted very much, I told him I wasn't willing to do that.  And he left.  There was a third party, but he was mostly a quietly annoyed observer.  It doesn't sound that strange, and I guess it isn't compared to many dreams I've had.  The weird part was in the casting.

Nov. 22nd, 2012

led astray

(no subject)

Good things will happen for me.  Good things will happen for me.
Good things will happen for me.  Good things will happen for me.
Good things will happen for me.  Good things will happen for me.
Good things will happen for me.  Good things will happen for me.
Good things will happen for me.  Good things will happen for me...

Nov. 19th, 2012

led astray

video game rant (Persona 4)

I feel cheated.  I borrowed the game, so it wasn't wasted money.  It was time, the hours and hours I put into the game, the effort of keeping track of schedules and balancing character choices, the serious thought that went into the crafting system.  The ending was lame.  I knew right away that I hadn't gotten the "good" ending, and that's fine, it happens.  So I went online to see what I missed.  There were HUGE gaps in my experience.  There was a boss battle I didn't even get to see, story points I totally missed!  A lot of it seemed to stem from something I did within the first 5-10 hours of game that in no way was even hinted at.  Instead of an ending exposition (it was a rp heavy game), I got the "time passes" bs and then it was just credits.  Can't I even lose dramatically?  Something?  I am annoyed.  I think with the amount of effort I put into the game, I should get a little more than nothing-really-happens.  It wasn't good enough to make me want to play it again making different choices.  So if you're interested, follow a guide.

Nov. 14th, 2012

led astray

(no subject)

The first half of the day is always easier than the latter half.  Around 4 my brain starts to shut down, lose willpower, and tell me nasty things.  How do I keep that energy flowing throughout the rest of the day?  Should I try taking my second pill later?  It might affect my ability to sleep.  

In other news, Misfits (show) is pretty damn cool.

And one other possible thing that i'll only allude to for sake of not jinxing myself...

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