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led astray

January 2013

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led astray

photographic evidence

The last week has been spent getting rid of clutter.  All of us in the apartment have been going through the detrious of our lives and examining it to see what is worth holding on to.  For those of us who keep everything, 'just in case', it has been stressful.  I got rid of clothing, books, papers, useful things that don't get used.  Sometimes clutter is a saftey net.  I don't need this thing right now, but I might later. If I get rid of it, what will I do if I want it again and it's not there?  It took some strength for me to do all that, to let go of so much all at once.  Maybe that's what caused my downspike this weekend.  Over the weekend I went through my photo shoebox.  That was rough.  Pictures aren't useful to begin with.  They're memories.  There were blurry shots, cut off shots, people I won't ever see again, people whose names have left me, pictures that remind me of some things I have been trying to change about me.  And for a while I had an obsession with getting doubles of everything.  I let it all go.  I cut up the ones that shouldn't be seen by random people, but mostly I just threw them in the trash in piles.  E helpped.  He could see that I was struggling.  This was huge for me.  These images drummed up some  things I haven't been proud of, feelings I forgot about, feelings I left behind on purpose.  It was all photographic evidence of years wasted, years I have been holding on to for too long.  Fuck!  Does this mean I'm a 'grown up'?  Am I becomming what I never wanted to be?  I'm throwing away things I swore never to forget.    
There were a very few pictures that I kept to remind me of moments I treasure.  Maybe I'll let those go too.  Eventually.

Comments

::big hugs:: Oh how I know that feeling. When I did my big photo-dump, I made a small list of things I had chosen to leave behind from my past, and it helped to reinforce the "I'm leaving the past behind to live my life now" action. Sending you lots of hugs. Maybe we'll work on making some good pictures for you to keep in the next year?

Having a couple good shots of things you really love can mean the world on a rough day, and they take up a wee amount of space
Yea...there's a reason I'm not a big picture guy in the first place.
Speaking of pictures, Cake has a new album comming out and they did War Pigs! lol
I have a box that is nothing but The Scott Era. When we broke up, he gave me back all of the pictures he had of us/me. His way of dealing with it. Honestly, I wish I could have done the same.

But I won't throw all of the pictures of ex's out. I have a box, the Boyfriend Box, as it was mockingly called once, and it is very important reminder of how far I have come as a person. I'm glad I have that box, mostly because when one exboyfriend died, I had something to give his parents.

Its so hard to get rid of pictures. Unless they're just like...darkness and a blurry thumb or something. Or stupid pictures from NPC camp, ugh. I have TOO many of those!
Decluttering is hard. I'm notoriously one of those "I might need it" people. Being an artist (wow, I don't usual use that word for me and I almost deleted it, but I'll leave it for now) that paints realistically, reference is important. Especially as I'm not one of those people with an amazing mental visual library. I guess my head is too filled with music and Build charts and random RPG rules...

So all that to say that when I was a senior in highschool an illustrator recommended keeping a "visual refence" file. 11 years and a stupid number of national geographics later and I've got piles and piles of cut-up photos that I "might use" "someday". But I'm not organized enough to categorize them, so they sit in boxes or scattered in piles on my studio floor. It's ugly, to say the least. And even with google/yahoo/ask's image search I can't seem to let go of this stupid pile of crap.

Then don't even get me started on the piles of "craft" supplies that I will someday turn into something beautiful.... in theory. And all this gets compounded when you are someone in a tight financial situation. With a surplus of finances, you can throw something out because you can "just buy another one" if you someday need it. That's not a luxury for a lot of people, and I think becomes a huge sticking point...

I've rambled. Short reply is " I hear ya. I'm the same way, but I'm glad you could get through some crap and declutter a bit"

Oh, and hugs. Sometimes seeing where you've been is hard, but also cathartic. It shows you how far you've come, and reminds you of your potential to go even further.