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led astray

January 2013

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animeface

self stuff

The hardest person to forgive, to see the good in, to talk to, and to acknowledge, appreciate, or understand is always ourselves.

I am trying to become the kind of person I want to be, the kind of person I can respect.  At the same time I am trying to figure out who that person is.  It's hard to put the ideas together in a fine, even weave.  There are always snags and missed stitches and I have to unravel to fix them.  I say things and cringe later.  Or I don't say things and wish I had.  I keep telling myself that if I can quit smoking after 10 years, surely I can study my Chinese. 

Humility on Bleecker Street
Exposed my faults until I'm left defeated
It's been three years into this relationship
This is longer than I could ever commit

But I feel I'm near
But I feel my fear

I'm standing at the edge of another precipice in life
Gotta face my Steppenwolf
Gotta drag you through the mud
When I get there I will see myself
I will look for strength within
I will be a better woman
Hang in there baby, I'm the grain of sand
Becoming the pearl

There are no role models in rock 'n' roll
No women who could have it all
The long career, the man, the happy family
And her I stand and God I do demand it 

But I feel I'm near
But I feel my fear

I'm standing at the edge of another precipice in life
Gotta face my Steppenwolf
Gotta drag you through the mud
When I get there I will see myself
I will look for strength within
I will be a better woman
Hang in there baby, I'm the grain of sand
Becoming the pearl

It's dark in here--Don't know who I am
Memories come--I'm wading through the mood
Evil side--Wants to drag me down
Will power--God please give me some
(I'm hanging onto hope now)

I'm standing at the edge of another precipice in life
Baggage from my family
Going back to therapy
I will kneel, be humble, tow the weight
I will look for strength within
I will be a better woman
Hang in there baby, I'm the grain of sand
Becoming the pearl

And I would like to thank the_hoyce for not judging me when I was not a good person and having a hard time being real.  He was the first.  Now there are lots of people who don't judge me when I fuck up, but it's much easier now than it was when I met him, so credit where it's due.

Comments

This is going to sound cheesy, but here goes: I'm so proud to have you in my Family. You've fought through decades of crap to find each piece of yourself that was hidden, and piece by piece you're learning to love and accept each piece you find. ::big hugs::
I've never known you to be a bad person. Who doesn't fuck up? Who doesn't have parts about themselves that they don't like? It doesn't mean you were a bad person. I have never known you to do anything that would truly catagorize you in the BadPerson (TM) catagory, and in that mind that makes you at least ok. And just about everything I've seen about you since I met you puts you to good person status. So there. :P

I'm glad that I was someone who could bring you a step to where you are more comfortable with yourself though. It makes me feel a little better about all the times I had to lean on you. Happy that I was able to help you too. :)