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led astray

January 2013

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some random thoughts

I don't get Christians/Christianity.  Not that I'm disparaging, I just don't get it.  But hey, not every one digs sushi. *shrug*

Last night I overheard someone giving a sort of testimonial pep-talk.  The gist was something like this: "You have to think about words and power.  I used to tell myself that I wasn't a morning person.  I hated getting up early and I would get up early for work and be miserable all day.  Then I started telling myself that I'm a whatever it takes person.  Now I get up when I have to get up and I'm glad of the morning.  I love the morning.  Some days I get up before dawn and I know it's gonna be morning soon and I'm happy about it." - Yeah.  I want that feeling.  I want to be a whatever it takes kind of person.  Despite cheezy affirmation/self-help junk.  I always thought I was doing whatever it took, But I was doing whatever I could get by with.  I want to do better.  I want to be more.  Whatever it takes.  When grandma tells me I'll never make enough to eat, I'll tell her I'll do whatever it takes.  When she tells me that I'm not living the safe way, which means her way, with a job I hate and surrounded by miserable people grinding out thier days in drudgery because someone told them they couldn't have thier dream, I'll tell her I'll do whatever it takes and ask her to support me.  Or she can stop calling.

I smell good.  That makes me happy.

I have a folder that has these strange, almost fake looking kittens on it.  They're monotone grey with violet eyes.  I WANT ONE!!!  Someday.

We have a lottery ticket for tonight.  Wish us luck.  Someone told me recently that the lottery was a tax for stupid people.  E and I countered with the favorite game theory; that it was $1 to daydream for days about what we would spend with it.  I have lists of people and ways I can help them financially that would improve the qualit of thier lives, from reliable cars to paying off student loans to a house for my sister and her family.  Then it was said that it was sad to need an aid for my imagination.  And I accepted it at the time.  But I thought more about it, and the aid isn't for my imagination, goodness knows that's active enough on its own.  What I buy with that dollar is hope.  I can dream and create a better life for me and mine in my mind all day and night, but it feels sad because it's a dream of what we are lacking.  The ticket makes the dream brighter, with the hope that it may come to pass, that I can take care of the people who have taken care of me even though they have little.  And to help those live easier who I think deserve it and will never have a chance because they aren't greedy, ruthless bastards or got dealt a bad hand.

E and I are going to play more frisbee tonight.


as cheesy as some of the self-help affirmation stuff is - sometimes it can still be useful. Sometimes people over-categorize themselves - by thinking that they can't improve themselves or their situation. If they just stopped thinking "I can't do that" and replaced it with "There's a small chance I can do that" - that one little change can make a big difference. People close themeselves in too much :)

I love the grey kitties with violet eyes - they look like neat little dust bunnies walking around :)

And best wishes with the lottery ticket. Being able to have something for $1 that enhances that happy-wish-dream is an awesome deal!