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led astray

January 2013

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chiana

I haven't been sleeping well lately.  And I have been having really strange dreams that I remember because I'm partially awake when I have them.  Unfortunately I am unable to control them a la lucid dreaming, but I'm going to try.  They're not meaningful, just random bits of books and movies and reality that my brain makes a sandwich out of, then tries to eat and chokes on.  My dreams are the up-chuck of that sandwich.  Yum.

I miss my sister.  She's been calling a lot recently.  Grandma has the same bizarre way of loving me that makes me think she's just looking for validation.  She keeps talking to me about mother, whose life is getting worse and worse.  Bottom is farther down than any of us thought.  At this rate, I don't think she'll hit it before her time is up.  "You get what everyone gets.  You get a life."  She just won't see that she's still sinking.  She won't listen to anyone who tells her.  I have to remember that she's sick, and that what she experiences may be different than other people's.  I mean I know everyone experiences things differently, but her experiences happen through a telescope focused on How She Has Been Wronged.  And she won't stop drinking.  She can't.  It's all she has left and it's killing her.  I wanted to help her.  I tried.  But the bottle was bigger than I was, talked louder than I could, and told her what she wanted to hear when she didn't want to hear anything.  (I tried to cut this but the computer at work is being a bitch.  Sorry.)

On the bright side I'm really excited about this weekend's visiting plans.  A formidable test of the meds this shall be.

Comments

(((HUG))) Been there. Done that. Different, but still hurts.
(((hug))) Thanks.
::big hugs:: My sleep has been crap lately, too. Mercury will stop screwing with all of us tomorrow, hopefully.

I'm sorry to hear about your family. Even when we've separated ourselves from people who seem determined to fall further and further - it doesn't always lessen the pain or frustration seeing them choose to continue unhealthy things and seeing them choose to destroy their own lives and those around them. Alcoholics have only one means of coping, and it simultaneously makes them feel better and kills them. It's a horrible thing to see. ::big hugs::
*HUGE HUGS*