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led astray

January 2013

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where i'm at

I'm all over the place today.  The new stuff in my brain is doing its thing I guess and my brain is trying to figure out what it all means.  So now instead of, "I feel like shit," my brain is saying, "I wonder why I feel like shit, but I think I still feel too shitty to figure that out right now."  And I guess that's something.

I've been thinking about friends lately.  What makes someone a friend, what my friends mean to me, who of the people I call friend fit the definition, but should there be a definition, how did i make friends, how do I make friends now, how much time should I spend with my friends, how does time together or away affect our status as friends, can I be friends with people I don't like, can I like people who aren't my friends, who considers me a friend and are they considered friend by me, are we all just fulfilling a need based solely on the fact that we're already here so why not?  But it's a blur.  None of them really have definate answers for me.  I haven't gotten that far.  But the fact that I'm forming questions gives me hope.  Brain is being active again.  Between bouts of Oblivion-playing.  

Along with that I have been thinking about what kind of friend I am.  And I realize that the answer is different for every person I know.  I try to be fair and honest always, but I am human, and the time and attention it is taking for me to take care of myself lately has naturally meant less time and attention for my friends.  This may be the only time I am relieved that so many people I call friend live far away.  I have to take care of myself and I have to know (remind myself) that they will still be my friends while I do what I need to do, and when I feel better.  They will understand.  They have needed space too.

And how do I keep from being petty?  I recieved a gift from a "friend" that I feel was trying to smooth over slights and be a glitter in my eye so I couldn't see that I was being dismissed.  I really want to mail it back to them with a message.  I'm not sure exactly what the message would say.  Or it might not need one.  The return of the gift might say all I need and a note might be verbose.  And this person would claim the title of friendship to me and never perform the rites thereof, instead leaving occasional tribute, a country that would rather be left alone, but doesn't want the possibility of agression.  I don't want the gift because every time I look at it the pettiness in my heart grows another fetid lump.  Should I just throw it away and have done with it?  The message would do no good.  It might even be a relief to the other party.  Mayhap it were best for us both if I could be rid of it for good, and not await an answer to a message sent with a lash.  Maybe I'll ask E to help me throw it away tonight.  !!OR, even better, I could give it again as a gift to someone who it will not be a soul poison to as a gift of real friendship, turning something bad into something good.  As long as it goes away.

Anyway.  I'm going to go read more now.  Brain is tired again.  Thanks for listening.

Comments

::hugs:: That's a tough place to be in - gifts are awkward enough sometimes when the relationship is healthy and active. I think re-gifting it could be a great idea - overwriting the badness with healthy and good love.

Take the time you need to take care of yourself. I'll still be here loving you the whole time :) 'cause you're just awesome like that