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led astray

January 2013

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going to go see a man about a horse

It's time.  I have to accept it.  It's been a problem for most of my life.  I used to deal with it by lashing out or running away.  It destroys my relationships with people.  It rains on any accomplishment I make.  It hinders my creativity.  It depletes my energy.  It elevates details until I can't see what I'm looking at.  It fools me into finding comfort in its arms, even when I'm bleeding from its touch.  

I have found the strength to say goodbye to things that have hurt me.  My mother.  Some of my bad habits.  So though I am filled with anxiety and trepidation, I think it can be time to say good bye to my oldest foe, the one that lives inside me.  I have an appointment to see a doctor about getting anti-depressants.  I'm tearing up as I type this.  I am slinking low in my chair so you can't see me.  I have so much shame about this.  I judge and stigmatize myself for even considering it as an option.  But I have to keep telling myself that it is a sickness and it is the sickness that is making me feel this way.  It doesn't want to leave, so it is telling me that I am weak.  I should be able to overcome it on my own and I am weak if I take medecine for something I should be able to control.  So I guess I am writing this here to combat my shame and my guilt and to tell my depression to go fuck itself.


*big hug* That is such a huge thing to admit and a huge step to take. I'm proud of you. I can empathize about where you're coming from. It's been at least 17 years for me, and likely longer, and it was only this year I bit the bullet to ask my therapist about meds. I talked to the med-nurse and we decided not to take that route, but just talking to someone helps me feel like I'm not weak or crazy, and I know I have resources I can try if I do decide to take the meds route.

You'd never think of telling someone with Diabetes "Get over it." Sometimes depression is as much a chemical imbalance as Diabetes. And hormones and situational stress like money worries just amplifies everything. You are not weak. *hug*

Open to listening or talking or hugs or shared chocolate whenever you want. :-)
I have trouble thinking of it as an illness because i'm not bleeding. I know where you're comming from though, and I am trying to wrap my mind around being sick, and not being lazy, selfish, boring, bad, psycho, crazy female, and any other things my mind is telling me I am if I admit there is something wrong.
::big hugs::
I know it can feel like weakness, but this is you taking care of yourself. Medication is just a tool to let you do that, to let you be self-sufficient. It doesn't fix everything, but without it I couldn't even see there was a problem to fix, much less have the energy to do anything about it.

Yeah, the stigma sucks. I've had family call me crazy or use it to dismiss anything I say or do, I've had friends who when they found out couldn't believe that they liked me and not some drug-created being, I've had to deal with side effects and the drugs themselves, but in the end it's been more than worth it. I had one day when I realized that things weren't meant to be as hard as they'd always been. They're just not.

If it helps you, that's what's important. You're the one who told me to learn "fuck it", after all.

I know for a fact that were our places reversed you would deride me mercilessly for being so stupidly stubborn and refusing meds if you need them. So you do what you need to do is mercilessly deride that part of yourself trying to be so stubborn.

And if you need a hand, I can deride quite well. :)

(Apparently the word of the way is "deride...")

Self-derision is exactly what I need less of. But I know if my depression were a boy, you would pound the shit out of it for me. Thanks. :-)
the forces which regulate our emotional well-being are mostly out of our control. You must know that. Expecting dedication and will-power to bring you all, or even most of the way to happiness is unfair to yourself.

I have had some experiance with psychopharmacueticals, none of which was wildly successful, but if nothing else, the process of seeking wellness was in itself a kind of therapy. By the time I had tried antidepressants I was no stanger to mind altering substances, so I didn't feel like I was crossing any great divide by popping a few pills, which probably saved me a certain amount of anxiety... I don't know much about where you stand in all of this
but I would recommend going into the experience with few expectations, a healthy cuiosity and the support of close friends.

You will be fine. I love you.
I feel like I have to be in control. For longer story than I feel like going into at the moment reasons, I need to be able to take care of myself. It's hard to ask for or accept help with anything. It's a struggle for me that I've been working on for several years. Heck, maybe meds will help with my agoraphobia and I'll come visit you more. :-)
::hugses:: There are sometimes when our bodies need help. Like with any physical issue, from more traditionally viewed health issues to mental health issues - sometimes, the body can't do it on its own.

Yes, meds can royally suck, and the stigma that goes along with them is big and heavy - BUT there's absolutely nothing shameful about needing some chemical help.

I understand the critical voice inside telling you you're weak, I've got the same one that kicks me in the shins from time to time. If you ever need some extra reassurance, or some logical weapons to wield against the inner-critic, lemme know, I'm glad to help.
Yeah. I'm hoping that the voices will shut up from time to time. The main theory I am basing the possibility of meds on is that when I did Extacy a few times, obviously it felt great while I was high, but when I came down, I still felt good for days after. A little extra seratonin floating around up there may go a long way towards feeling ok, so I may just give that a go.
Don't beat yourself up about it. Being able to acknowledge your weaknesses requires true strength. *many hugs*
::gigantic big hugs:: We love you, kiddo - you are great, and you'll be able to beat this. If there's anything I can do to help, lemme know.
I can't say anything that hasn't already been said before and better.

Doing what's right for you is all that is important. If this is right for you (and it sounds like it is) then a big hurray for you. I'm behind you 110%.