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led astray

January 2013

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(Inspired by arc_stormcrow.)
For a long time I thought I didn't have expectations of other people. I have enormous expectations for myself, to the point where I don't know that I will ever be satisfied with anything I do, because I should have done it better. I am a perfectionist when it comes to me, and not knowing what to do with that and always being told that I would never be able to accomplish anything other than what the guardians told me I could do, I became quite defeatist. Failing to be perfect at everything the first attempt meant that I shouldn't ever try anything, because I might not be a "natural". Stubborn? You betcha! And since people were always letting me down (mom) and telling me I couldn't (Didn't have the capacity, not didn't have permission) do what I wanted (grandma) but at the same time told be how smart I was and I should know better, well, that made an interesting mix of "you're too smart to do anything other than what I tell you you can do, and the proof is that when you try to do other things you can't do it right away, which is why people dissapoint you, because you dissapoint them when you try to do something and you can't because you should have known you couldn't do that because it's not on the list of things I told you you could do." (It makes sense in my head.) So in there I thought I stopped expecting things from other people, when actually I changed what I expected. I expect people to dissapoint me and hold me back, so I fight against people, standing up for myself when there aren't necessarily attacks being made. There are things I set out to accomplish and if you get in my way, it must be because you are telling me I can't do it, which makes me fight harder.

I think at some point we expect others to act towards us the way we act towards ourselves. So maybe it's a little hypocritical if I have expectations of someone but despise that they have expectations of me. I think my favorite phrase is "you'll get over it." I like to use it both to myself and to others when I don't act the way they expect me to. I have learned that other people don't like it when I use that phrase to them, so I don't say it out loud as much anymore.

And I am not a bad person for expecting to have time with my friends. Despite being told how selfish I was, I do not see that I was wrong in any way. I gave in. I backed down when I wasn't wrong and that's what feels wrong. I have been told that it's not important to be right all the time. Well, I expect to be wrong sometimes and to own it. But I also expect to own it when I am right. Even thinking about it is making me feel ill.


It's perfectly okay to own it when you're right, even if no one else thinks you are. I know that if you feel you're right about something, you're still willing to listen to another view in case you're only partially right, even if you're pretty darn sure you're right. And *that's* one of the things that makes you an exceptionally good person. Even when you're pretty positive you're right, you'll double check just in case.

And the logic with being smart enough to do only the things they told you to do part of the post, I understand it. It's a hard thing to put to words - you can do anything that I tell you, but otherwise you're only proving yourself a failure to do something else.
> Failing to be perfect at everything the first attempt meant that
> I shouldn't ever try anything, because I might not be a "natural".

Depending on the task at hand, I can get exceptionally, near irrationally, angry at myself if I botch my first attempt at something. Because, even if I don't have the experience/talent at something, dammit, I should be able to pull it off anyway. ::sighs:: Not a particularly healthy attitude, nor is avoiding things because of it either.

If you ever feel like I'm disappointing you or standing in your way, feel free to give me a swift kick. ::grins:: It'll get my attention, and I'd probably deserve it.

Hmmm...perhaps my advice dissapointed you.
Eh...you'll get over it. ;)