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led astray

January 2013

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led astray

(the backstory)

This was written to a particular person, but in reading it, I thought that it could really be to anyone. I feel this way about more than the one person. Could be it's you. I forget sometimes to remind my friends that I appreciate them. So here you go:

I know sometimes that I am intelligent and talented, but at those times the voice in my head tells me I am being conceited, and won't let me enjoy anything I accomplish for very long. I know you have the same voice, so maybe that's how we can be good to each other, to be a positive head-voice for each other when the inner asshole tells us we're nothing but shit. People were bad to us, so we internalize that to mean that there must be some defect in us that made them treat us that way. And we're partly right, but we also have great strengths and talents and promise. I think the trick is to not allow either side to win. Sometimes I am a wonderful human being full of light and hope and goodness, and sometimes I am a lazy, callous, selfish piece of shit. Then there are the days I forget ever having had light in my heart. I forget my capacity to be worthwhile. Those also happen to be the days when I won't listen to you remind me of the good days. I love you for the thought and for all the effort you put in (and I know it is an effort to talk to me those days). Keep the light on for me, but ultimately I am the one who has to drag my sorry self back up. Your presence is like a rope. I still have to do the hauling, but damn, does it help to have you there!

Comments

While I don't think this is for me, I wish it was.

The two of you there blend together until I don't know what to expect sometimes. Lots of times. I do try, though, and I hope that you know I would do more if I could.
(((hug))) Sometimes I just don't know what to say to you. I feel like whatever comes out of my mouth will either hurt you or fail you, so sometimes I just don't say anything. But I support you in my head and my heart and I want you to make a livable life for yourself.
::big hugs:: Even on my bad days, even on the days I completely forget to ask you for help when I should? I know you love and appreciate me. All I have to do is remember being woken up by the phone to hear "I want to cook you lunch" to remember that you loved me enough to share some delicious food with me :)

That's love.

(Anonymous)

you? A acting like a "piece of shit"? reallY?
I've never seen that side of you - so I don't really believe it :-)
(if crazy faculty in the media lab setting did not bring out the PoS person in you...I don't know what can :p )