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led astray

January 2013

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Questions for you.

Please feel free to be verbose. I had a pretty intense conversation with a religious studies professor yesterday and it sent my head spinning, so I am just feeling curious about some things.  I do not intend to respond to replies in any way.  I just want to get into your headspace and not make any judgements.  But please explain as best as you can and try not to be vague  If you just have no other words, that's fine too.  Sometimes we say more in our silences and all that.

Question 1: What does marriage mean to you?  What is the point/purpose?  What does it mean in theory?  In practice?  How has it (or do you imagine it would) changed your life, in positive or negative ways?

Question 2: This is a
There are 2 children playing in a sandbox together.  One boy is being obnoxious.  The other boy says to Boy A, "I bet you're adopted!"  Boy A responds immediately and fervently, "I am not!"  Then Boy A goes home and asks his mother if he is adopted and she tells him that yes, he is adopted.  Boy A continues to passionately deny that he is adopted.  The professor then broke and told us that this was a good belief for the boy to have because it makes the package of himself as a whole person complete for him to believe that he is not adopted.  It supports his sense of self-worth.
What are your thoughts about this?


I'm just going to answer the marriage question

First off, this is my opinion. I don't feel this is right for everyone, but this is how I feel about marriage. The whole concept of a nuclear family was made up by a corrupt system. Expressing commitment is a seperate thing. If you care about someone so much that you want to spend the rest of your life with that person, then a spiritual ceremony is wonderful. As long as it's meaningful, anyway. Legally, of course, marriage has its qualities, but I don't believe most of us are wired for the whole "as long as you both shall live" crap. We are mutable creatures, constantly growing and changing. The person who was perfect for us when we were 17 is our soulmate... until we grow out of him/her. The person who we cannot live without when we are 27 may grow apart from us as well, but s/he is also our soulmate. And so on. Some of us are destined to have more than one in our lives, and some of us unfortunate to not have even one, but it's all a matter of opening your eyes to the possibilities and not being stuck on the ideal, on the "perfect" man.
Anyhow, the important part is that you either get comfortable with yourself, or find a partner who you are so comfortable with you can grow old with them.
The rest of it is all bullshit.
Question 1:
Marriage to me, means first and foremost a promise between two (or more) people. It is a committment to love, support, trust, and grow together. The most important part of a marriage is their vows to each other. The point or purpose for me that a long-term commitment is made.

Marriage to me, in theory: People, state their intent to marry each other. Then is a time to examine that choice. I want to have a good period of time to decide if I can genuinely uphold a long-term commitment to this person. I'm also of the mindset that a marriage is also a commitment that if the marriage doesn't "work out" that you are committed to an amicable resolution... that make sense?

After that time period, if all involved are still ready to marry, you go through a cleansing ritual. For me, it's a sweatlodge - a ritual death and rebirth. You leave behind all your baggage, you leave behind every part of you that you don't want to bring with you into the marriage, and you come out ready for marriage. My therapist calls it "dump and bless" - get rid of what you no longer want in your life, and make sacred everything you *are* bringing with you.

Then, really, it's up to them to do something with the intent of demonstrating the commitment. For my tradition, it's bathing each other - you cleanse and care for the renewed spirit of your Partner, while declaring that you are choosing them as your Partner. Then, you uphold that commitment to the best of your ability.

After that, I think it's good to tell your community that you are married. Marriages will always need support in some regards to thrive. If nothing else, having that commitment recognized is important to make that marriage feel valid, real, etc.

Then comes the legal end of things. I wish that society didn't need to sign legal contracts to uphold promises. It's probably a product of my upbringing, but I am horrified by the fact that if Druid and I didn't get legally married, that legally speaking, he's offered no protection or right to any part of my life. But, since it's required in order to protect Druid in that way, I will sign the contract.

The impact? Mostly positive. I've had a few people in my life that I was ready to commit to, who weren't ready to commit in that manner. That really hurt. Spiritually speaking, I've already been married once, and I fulfilled every commitment I made. Sadly, he didn't seem to realize what that commitment was, and left while doing as much damage as he could.

I took a long time to consider the legal marriage with Druid, and made absolutely stinkin' sure that Druid knew exactly what I meant, intended, and wanted from a commitment with him. I know without doubt that he understands this, and I'm ready to make the legal end of things happen, to offer him those protections the law can give, now that I know we can both uphold a commitment to each other.

Because of my views of how serious a marriage is, I don't think that a majority of the population could uphold a commitment like that. I'm often frustrated seeing married couples who have no respect for each other, but are going through the motions.But, for those who can make a commitment and stick with it (even if it means an amicable split if things don't work out)... it's an amazing, wonderful thing.

Gah, I've written you a book.

For Question 2:
I would like the boy to hold onto being adopted instead.I don't like the idea that he deprives himself of the special nature in which he became a part of the family. Adopted children are chosen, applied for... they, to me, are almost more special than "normal" kids. I'd rather the child be proud in that knowledge than lie to himself - because in doing that he's showing that he cannot accept himself as loved *and* adopted simultaneously... and that makes me very sad.
1. I have seen marriage done well. People binding their lives together, saying "with you I will go", a statement of Will and love.

Mostly, though, I have seen marriage done poorly. As a reason to stay together when two people don't want to be in the same country, much less the same room. As a way to validate having children. There is this myth that children need exactly two people in their lives, and it's total crap. As a selfish claim to someone else's love: "how dare you talk to her; *I'm* your wife!" A matter of convenience or status. As an attempt to fix the problems in a relationship.

Might I get married? Maybe, but it would probably be because of all the benefits married couples get in this country. I would much rather raise my children in a community of three or four or five adults than a traditional nuclear family.

The question I'd ask is, what would happen to the boy if he accepted he was adopted? Does he believe what keeps him loved/house/fed is that he is his parent's son? Is his ego tied to emulating his parents? Is it because it has been thrown at him as an insult and his mother basically confirmed the bully's view of him? Is it "good" for him to believe that? No, but until something changes it may be nessisary. Eventually, hopefully, whatever fear fuels that denial won't be nessisary any more and he can see himself as connected to and loved by his parents without DNA.