?

Log in

No account? Create an account
led astray

January 2013

S M T W T F S
  12345
6789101112
13141516171819
20212223242526
2728293031  
Powered by LiveJournal.com
led astray

diving

There are times, more recently than times in the past, where I have stopped a line of thinking, conversation, or inquiry. I don't know why. I don't know if it's because I don't have the capacity to think or reach or go beyond a certain point, or if my attention is on too many other mundane things, or if I fear where these things will take me. Is my pattern, my daily-do-whatnot, so fragile that if I dive into deeper thoughts I won't be able to hold it together? Thoughts and conversations have been feeling so vapid. I don't feel connected to people like I used to and I think it's because of this. Is this what being "better" is about? When I say, "I'm better now," do I mean that I don't have these thoughts, or that these thoughts were what made me "not ok"? Am I still having them in my head, but not seeing them, or is my mind wanting to go diving into the deep places and I am just not letting it for fear of not being "better" anymore, for a constructed ok-ness? Even now I am getting distracted, wondering what other people would think of this rather than having further thoughts about it.

Comments