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led astray

January 2013

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holding it in

I don't bother with filters because I just don't post things that my friends can't read.    Maybe it's time for me to hold some of my feelings in.  For a long time I thought I was expressing myself, only to discover that I was expressing what I thought I should be feeling, and not in touch at all with what I was actually feeling (with the exception of anger).  So then I got in touch with my feelings, and discovered, much to my dismay, that I needed help.  I was not, in fact, a lone wolf, capeable of doing everything alone.  So I got to needing people, and discovered that I had become needy.  Now, you all know I am not the queen of subtle, so I make my needs known.  So there arise situations when it seems like I have more needs than other people, when in reality, I am just better at letting people know.  Now, we are all needy little bitches somewhere deep inside.  Deny it if you like.  But if I vocalise all my needs and feelings, and other people don't, who looks like they need more?  Yours truly.  And I don't hold back, because I spent the last 2 years living with 3 therapists and we all talk about our feelings, except that really I become the only one talking about all my feelings because other people would rather hold some of it in and don't tell me that I should.  So I talk about my feelings and what I need, and get what I need, meanwhile, other people are not getting what they need because they are busy meeting my needs or leaving my needs to be met.  Then it turns out that people I need emotional support from are also providing it to other people, and between us we wear that person down.  This is why I advocate polyamory.  I am too needy for one person.  So since I cannot make people take care of thier needs by asking for support because they are too busy supporting me, I am thinking that the best way for me to take care of other people is to keep more of my needs and feelings to myself and go back to needing less. 
is some emotional junk and internal evaluating.


I know you're internalizing and turning this around in your brain, so I will severely limit commentary. However-- ask for what you need, whenever you need it. And know that sometimes life requires compromise. I think you already know both of those things, but I'll pull them out of the crossfire of your brain and put them out there. Shutting down your needs puts you in the other side of the relationship-- that of the person sacrificing their needs to take care of someone else. Neither is a great place to be, so it's a balancing act.

I've rambled enough, more than I intended. If you need anything from a friend, you know where to find me. ;-)
Thank you. I know. I need the balance and I think that's more of what I meant. I'm no good at hiding my feelings, much less shutting them down. I think this sounded more negative than I mean it. The right words elude me. But I feel guilty for needing so much.
I think everyone does. Hence the balance. But in the end we are all needy creatures in some way. Some more than others. And frankly I am in awe of the ones who are less needy-- I don't understand them nor can I be them.

I didn't think you meant to be negative, but you did read a bit like you were saying you were "shutting yourself down", which I would hate to see. People who share their thoughts and feelings are rare, and rather refreshing.

> This is why I advocate polyamory. I am too needy for one person.

I'm not sure it needs to go all the way into polyamory, or, at least, all the way into *romantic* relationships.... though I can certainly see the argument for it reaching that point. If you allow for a sort of, if you'll pardon the mangled terminology, "platonic polyamory", then I think you're on to something. ("Poly-best-friend-ory"?) Everybody needs their time to do "X", whatever that is (time alone, time working out, time watching movies, etc.) - and sometimes, their mate simply isn't interested, even if it's a group activity. (For example, jenn has *no* interest in paintball - but it's not something you really go to by yourself.) In a situation like that, it's good to have close friends to share with - not just fellow jocks to go play sports with, but people you honestly care about who you can go and do things with.

In a way, it strikes me as similar to some of the friendships I was lucky enough to make in college - folks that I completely love (despite any disagreements we've had, despite time and distance and all that.) And I can see a number of those friendships coming out of the folks I've met at NERO - there's too many downright good people for that not to happen. Having a network of friends that strong and that big can prevent folks from getting burned out - you may have a specific person (or persons) you get the main amount from, but you can get a little bit from a lot of people to compensate as well.

::sighs:: Makes me wish we all lived even closer to each other, to make it easier for everybody to see each other more routinely. I don't think people ever get quiet enough hugs and cuddles.

> I am thinking that the best way for me to take care of other
> people is to keep more of my needs and feelings to myself and
> go back to needing less.

Moderation's a good thing, but so's making sure that your needs are met. Not vocalizing them doesn't mean that they don't exist - and, speaking as one of those tends-to-be-quiet, perfers-to-pretend-to-be-self-sufficient types, there's a difference between the two. ::smiles::
The polyamory debate continues to rage in my head. I don't think there's a conclusively right or wrong answer. I am for it, however, my SO is against it. Since I cannot imagine being without him, and the condition of staying is that I be monogamous, well, then, the debate remains internal.

Speaking of a close network of friends, I believe I know some gamers in need of a GM...
> I don't think there's a conclusively right or wrong answer.

::nods:: I agree - neither side is wrong or right. Just... different options. ::shrugs::

> I believe I know some gamers in need of a GM...

::grins:: Right-o. Do you guys have a preferred weekend? Should I just put together a mailing list and try to arrange things that way?
Preferred weekend? That makes it sound like it will only happen once! The mailing list would be great. I'm on IM till 3 today and I can give you a list through that if you like. Or via email.
Gamers? Did I hear gamers in need of a GM?

Mike (druidwolf) and I both love to run games... and are usually looking for players who aren't afraid of the dreaded word: roleplay

And, arc_stormcrow, we also love to play ;) If you need a couple more players, I'm sure you'd have at least two.


We have me, E-rock, Mori's player, maybe Corey, and probably Walt all itching for a game. 3 of us in one place (with lots of room and chairs).


Re: gamegamegamegamegame

Right now I'm running a *very* creepy Call of Cthulu game (set in Nazi Germany, and the players are playing themselves), for which I currently have 2-3 players. There's definitely room open in there, but be warned, it's intentionally very creepy and scary and a mindfuck - pretty much a horror movie of which my players are the main characters.

I know Mike's been creating a Forgotten Realms based D&D campaign, and been debating on running a Mage game.

Any preference on gaming system? (We've got a metric assload of gaming books, so you'd have access to books if you wanted to try a new system)

Re: gamegamegamegamegame

we can continue this over email or IM. Same name either on AOL or at hotmail.

Re: gamegamegamegamegame

Ooooohhhh.... mindfuck sounds like fun! This is Beth, Mori's player. I believe in role-play. Lots. Intensly. And other adjectives :-)

I'm open to just about any system, having played D&D 2nd and 3rd, WoD: Mage, Werewolf, Vamipre and Alternity the most. Give me the book the day before, though, and I'll fake whatever system you've got.

Re: gamegamegamegamegame

Hrm... I have many thoughts and bits of advice, but since I know you were kinda just showing us your internal debate, I'll keep it to a minimum.

The struggle to find a balance in communicating emotions is incredibly tough. If you communicate that you need something, a fair amount of times there will be someone who will step up to provide it - whether or not you intended on seeking help from others in meeting that need.

I've found that journaling helps me a lot. I can get out whatever it is I want, even if it's stuff I'd usually keep quiet. I also ended up making a rule with my closest friends that unless I asked for help meeting a need, to try to restrain from just giving me help. I'm an incredibly needy person, but I feel I'm not providing love and support for my closest folks if I'm always asking for help, which makes me feel worse. Ad nauseum. So I do my best to avoid feeling overly needy - sometimes (like if I'm having a panic attack), I do what I can for me first - like making a cup of tea - to soothe a bit before asking for help with the rational calming sorts of stuff.

There's a middle ground in there somewhere... it just moves a lot ;)

I'm usually around if'n you need to vent
Thanks for the support, but do I know you?
Indeed, you know me, I'm Kate M from Nero
Strongwillow from this last event.
Oh! Well hi there. I know we've had a rocky time in the past, but it's good to know that you still care. (((hug)))
::hug::Rocky times happen, but the wonderful thing about time is that it's always moving ;)

I've moved pretty far away from the me of a couple years ago, and I decided last year that it was time for me to re-meet a handful of folks, you being one of them.

I may not always understand you, but I definitely care.
I don't have any advice to offer you. I am the exact opposite on this matter, so I guess I can't really relate too much. All I can say is this: you never have to feel guilty about needing something from me and getting it.

So sayeth The Hoyce. :)
And you never have to feel like you can't ask for what you need. You are important and special, damn it. Now get your ass up here and accept some support! (((HUG)))

See you tomorrow! :-D