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led astray

January 2013

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led astray

not bad

Today has been pretty ok, relatively. I'm watching the neighbor's dog for a couple days. A friend from college who directed me in a play came out to see me. We took the dog for a walk and had lunch at Panera. It was good to see her again. It had been 4-5 years. I got a little choked up talking about the brain business, but it wasn't awkward or anything. She's understanding about that stuff. I did some reading and some spinning. The dog has been calm, which is a blessing. Therapy is getting harder. Job search is still depressing. I still miss Corey.

Sunday was really good. Went with angel_heart to Scarn's birthday. We played a fucking hilarious game called Cards Against Humanity. There were hours and hours of laughter, more games, lots of cheese, and good times with friends.

Last night was D&D night. The group has been having trouble getting everyone to show, so the 4 of us who are the core decided to start another game for when the other 2 can't be there, and the DM wants a chance to play. We're doing the Dresden Files RPG. We spent last night coming up with themes and some world building and talked a bit about characters that have connection so we don't have to randomly meet in a tavern to kill rats in the basement. It's going to be a good time.

I know I recently talked about my bitterness. I don't take it back, but I examined it a bit deeper after an anonymous reader decided they needed to give me some pointed armchair analysis. I do have problems, and I don't pretend to have all my shit together. Bitterness is an expression of pain and disappointment and loss. I'm more bitter towards myself than I am anyone else (except maybe my mother). I'm angry at myself for not being easy to be with. I would love to be the put-together girl who is all smiles and support and fun and relaxed and bunnies who shit butterflies. I know I'm not that girl, and I don't think I've hidden it. I told him everything right from the beginning what he was getting into. It breaks my heart to be the girl who's hard to be with. I am working on me, on being a better me. Knowing that the effort is too great for someone to stay with me doesn't negate the pain I feel. I posted a vent, a small outlet for some of what's on my mind. I wanted to share some of the blame instead of feeling like a cancer of the ass of anyone who gets close to me. Was it unfair? Maybe. But I put it somewhere he's not likely to ever see it. The object was not to spit venom at him, just to spit it out of me. I don't know who it was that replied and that eats at me. I don't know why I'm bothering to explain myself. They probably won't have read this anyway.



No need to post this, but since I've left occasional anonymous messages on your board, I thought I'd let you know it wasn't me, Zac :)

(In fact, just to cover my bases, I've never left my name off a message because I was trying to hide my identity. I had a LiveJournal account for a little while, but I forgot the password, and it's easier to post this way. Sometimes, I just forget to sign my name. Have a nice day.)

(Also, don't worry about that post. Blogs are private journals that are left opened for people who care to pick them up. If someone's going to get upset about what's in one, they shouldn't read it. I learned that long ago when a roommate made a veiled and completely unwarranted complaint about me. He knew I didn't read his blog, and I don't think he'd have said it if he knew someone would figure out who he was talking about and tell me what he said. I decided I had no right to confront him or even be bothered by it, never mind how stupid his complaint was. And I do mean stupid ;) End of parentheses.)
You're awesome Zac. And I didn't think for a second that it was you. Thanks for the support. (((hug)))