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led astray

January 2013

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do what?

blah (therapy rant)

So I broke down in therapy today.  My therapist was none too pleased to see my defenses acting up, but I feel like it's her job to be able to handle that and still provide me with therapy.  So while I was having a hard time and crying my spiked armor activated and she got defensive.  Yes, lady, I have issues.  If I were able to control all the things and keep from being defensive and be perfectly calm and rational all the time I wouldn't need you.  So buck up and therapize me already!  I ask her how to do the things she tells me to do.  I get no real answers.  When I try to do them and nothing happens, she tells me to just keep doing it.  Well, see, I have a problem with failure.  And what's that saying about psychosis being doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result?  Or is it not psychotic because it's something you're telling me to do?  So again I'm in therapy and I'm going and talking and crying and I don't feel like I'm accomplishing anything because the shit has not improved.  So why do I bother?  Because I'm stupid. Hope just seems stupid sometimes.  I don't know if my meds are helping enough.  They always tell me, oh when things settle down and you get into a routine...and I try to explain that that isn't happening any time soon but I have to learn some tricks to stay with it in the meantime, then I'm just being impatient.  Oh, I need time to settle in.  No, I'm trying to get out of the situation I'm because I'm full of shame and rage at myself and I want to take care of myself and she is just not helping.  But I keep going, thinking maybe next time it will be different.