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led astray

January 2013

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led astray

back home

I had a little breakdown at grandma's and begged to come back home after a week, rather than 2.  She was none too pleased.  I've been choking on guilt for a few days, but I had to do what was best for my mental health.  I was having violent thoughts towards myself and grandma, so I stepped away from the situation.  I feel like less of a shit-heel after my therapist said things like reality distortion, manipulation, emotional abuse, and retraumatization.  Oh yeah, there's a reason my mother's a crazy bitch and I'm in therapy.  I don't know how many times I tried to explain agoraphobia to grandma while she constantly tried to get me to go out of the house and do "fun" things.  How many ways can I say that I don't want to leave the house, especially to go to new places in broiling heat with people I don't know?  It's not as though I was subtle about it!  I wasn't on vacation or looking to have fun.  I signed up to go there and sit in the house and take care of the old lady.  She brought up old stuff that I had mostly forgotten about, shattered illusions about my grandfather, nay-sayed every thought or suggestion, manipulated me, and basically guilted me the entire time I was there.  She was wearing a neck brace when I showed up, and for a few days after.  Then she stopped wearing it and insisted on taking me to the store to get some yarn.  When I asked her if I could leave early, she immediately put the brace back on to play for sympathy.  I was feeling guilty and angry with myself for not being stronger, but it's getting less hurtey little by little.  I was having an increase in symptoms and I'm still lethargic and wanting to be in bed a lot, but I'm recovering.  Therapist calls it detox.  Heh.  I like that.