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led astray

January 2013

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the very long day

Oh boy, it's been a long day.  I woke myself up with nightmares a couple times last night after a long travel day.  I tried to run this morning and was only able to do half my program due to heat, pavement, and No Effing Shade Anywhere.  I'm going to have to do it in the evening.  But gramma and I had lots of heart to heart time today, which was difficult, uncomfortable, and exhausting.  However, she decided that after dinner we should have margaritas (she's on low dose valium for her hurt back) and she's now fast asleep.  So I could theoretically go over to the pool, but I'm not sure how comfortable I am going alone for the first time.  It feels like I'm a kid again, and that's not a good feeling.  She wants us to be a family, even though my aunts haven't bothered with me in ages and I don't speak to my mother.  I expressed a lot of things that I never did before.  I'm considering taking one of her valium to make sure I can sleep tonight.  Tomorrow we're going to the grocery store with her asshat ex.  Wheeeee!  I've been helpful and polite and pleasant.  This may have been the Right Thing To Do, but it was a Bad Idea.  This too shall pass.  I miss New England and the freedom that being able to walk and get somewhere affords.

Being interrogated about my ambitions, living situation, reasons I don't have a boyfriend, and why I never tell her what's going on with me or ask her for help are more difficult than hearing how ugly my tattoos are.  I know my tattoos are beautiful.  That's why I put them there.  No, I don't think it makes me trashy.  I think they tell pieces of my story in pictures.  She asked me why/how I thought I got mentally ill...*boggle*  She wants me to live here, play nice with the other "family" members so my aunt won't leave her houses and financial stability to her dogs.  The dogs can have it, for all I care.  I'm not going to pretend to like these people who haven't given a shit about me and can't be bothered to answer my emails when I've reached out and have nothing to say to me on any other day, either.  I tried to explain why I go to my friends for help instead of my family.  She doesn't get it.  She wants to force this institution on people who have little use for it.  My friends have been better to me than my family time and time again.  I'm not lying to her and I'm answering her questions.  It's the least I can do.  That's how I love.  It's not pretty, but it's real.