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led astray

January 2013

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led astray

The last few days have been ok, i guess.  To fit the pattern, yesterday was pretty good and then today sucked.  I blame the excessive amounts of easter candy I ate before and during D&D, where I was very useful.  

I'm full of crap.  I want so much, but do so little with what I already have.  I'm trying to make use of the yarn and such things I already have.  I don't know what makes it so difficult to get to motivated, or to stay there on the occasions I wake up in that mystical place.  My online class is overdue by over a month, and I'm still waiting for a call from the health center for individual therapy.  It's hard to run into people I haven't spoken to in a while.  I don't know what to say.  I want to say something hopeful and happy and supportive, but I don't know what those things even mean anymore, so I try to make casual conversation, and fear failure and my evident awkwardness.  I do hope people are doing well, but I'm really caught up in my own head these days.  I sit in judgement over myself and I can be pretty harsh.  I think I don't deserve to have friends, or even friendly acquaintances.  And forget any thought of romance.  I have nothing to offer anyone else, when I can't even offer much to myself.  It would be so nice and so easy to be devoured by someone else.  I still sometimes contact men I know will tell me I'm pretty, just to get a boost of self-esteem, but I don't see it.  My body has changed and my mind has changed and I barely recognize myself anymore.  I suppose this happens to most people with age.  I have running shoes in the mail and a beautiful trail that runs along the river.  No excuses.  I'm sure I'll think of some.

Today is Down.  Maybe tomorrow will be Up.