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led astray

January 2013

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led astray

Friday, last work day of the week.  I got out of bed today knowing that my direct deposit isn't active yet so I have to get here to get my paycheck.  I'm beat and I don't want to be here.  I have so many complaints, and they really amount to First World Problems.  I'm fed, I got plenty of sleep, I'm warm and dry, and I have a safe place to rest my head with people who don't mind hearing my TMI.  As much as I am glad to have a job, albeit temporary, there are things I really miss about being unemployed.  I enjoy cooking for the house, but I haven't had the extra energy.  I get home and pass out.  Forget having energy to do my CBT homework.  This will pass, this will change, I will get used to it.  This weekend I should go shopping.  I might not.  Maybe I'll do some shopping online.  I'm not sure I can handle weekend mall crowds just yet.  But it is time for new clothes that aren't threadbare.

In mental health news. I'm doing better, but not great.  My depression is still mostly in the moderate range and I have a lot of symptoms.  Major life changes are difficult, and I've been having a bunch of them back to back and I need to allow myself to be not-ok while I'm in transition.  I expect a lot of me, and I've been meeting most of my expectations, but I need leeway and slack.  Sylvan tells me it's ok to rest when I've been working hard, but I still feel guilty about going to bed early.  Rest is important.  I can have more modes than 'Thunder' and 'Off'.  As always, my biggest struggle is to find the balance, the liminal space.  I kinda want to go to Puck's place tonight and have a chemically induced brain break, but it's a mile each way and I might need a body break more.

My friend-scape is looking very different these days.  I'm really focused on my self, and I think that's just how it has to be for a while.  Guilt won't help.  Apologies won't help.  I'm reexamining what it means to be a friend, both to me and to others.  I've prided myself on my honesty policy, but it seems that's not always the right answer.  Maybe there isn't a right answer.

Whoooo, fucking up at work, on my own time sheet.  *sigh*  At least my boss is laughing about it.