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led astray

January 2013

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scary kindness

Ok, anxious for no reason day.  I got up, showered, made it to work (where there is minimal stress) and I still feel like a child afraid of the monster in the closet, wanting to hide under the covers and close my eyes until sleep takes me.  Yeah, no reason.  I can't even point to a trigger for this.  My chemicals are shaken up.  Ok, for real, I have a cup of tea and I'm reading Grimm's Fairy Tales online.  It's a good hair day and I have on pretty comfortable clothing, but I'm uncomfortable and nervous.  I want to run away back home and spend the day in bed.  WHY?  This is not logical.  Come on, brain.  Work it out.  This is one of those days that no matter what I was doing or not doing, I think I would feel this way, like a just-kicked puppy.  Things are fine.  I'm working, I got a lot of chores done yesterday, the weather is beginning to warm up, the new place is mellow, I've been cooking a lot and making doilies.  *shrug*  There is something chemically wrong with my brain and I need to rewrite neural pathways.  There is no reason I should feel this way today, but here I am complaining about it.  *I feel relief that D&D seems to be cancelled for tonight, as though it was a looming burden.  Well, good then.  That's all the sooner I can get home and hide from the big scary world (despite how kind it has been to me lately).


When you're used to being a kicked-puppy, a good day, week or even month isn't enough to prove to you and your psyche that you *won't* get kicked. So that is not a complete failing on your part. It's sadly part of the programming you are working to rewrite. *Noticing* that you are anxious and that today it has no real basis is the first step. So you are definitely working in the right direction. *hugs*
(((hugs))) Thanks. I have that step down pretty well, but I'm trying to learn how to reprogram. It's more complicated than programming a universal remote. :-P
Yeah, especially when everything is all new fangled "i" everything. Damn kids. :-)