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led astray

January 2013

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led astray

I have thoughts that I am ashamed of.  I want the woman I'm covering for to have complications.  It isn't that I wish her harm, she's done me no wrong.  I just want the opportunity her continued absence would create for me.  I can do her job better and faster than she can.  I don't want my opportunities to come from someone else's woes, but that's kinda what life is about.  For now, I have the job until March 9th.  But to get on here full time would be ideal.  The most stressful part of this job is the commute.  But I have guilt that I look for a place someone already occupies.  *sigh* 

Yesterday sucked.  I went to my appointment at Mass Rehab, got there an hour early, sat through their power point presentation...and then I asked, because i hadn't heard anything in the presentation, whether I could now sign up for SSDI.  The answer was no, I wasn't in the right place, I had to go somewhere else, they weren't sure where.  Social security agency for my area, maybe?  So I left frustrated and dissapointed and pretty angry that all the hoops I had to jump through were futile.  Now I am back to square 1, having spent lots of energy and gotten no reward.  But, I went to work afterwords and put in my time, then went to Brighton to get my meds, then went home and had some beer and asked the roommies to order pizza for dinner.  I ate a lot of pizza and went to bed around 8:30.  I was beat and defeated. 

I've been having anxiety dreams about asking Hoyce for a few things I didn't mean to leave behind, in addition to formless anxiety dreams where there isn't a coherent plot or specific images, just a restless feeling.  There are still things I need to do that got pushed back when I was offered a temp position with very little notice.  And I found a thing to get me to work as often as possible; I know that my boss cares, and I don't want to dissappoint him.  I don't care about the job, I care about the person I'm working for.  It makes a HUGE difference to the number of spoons that get sub-consciously allocated.

The weekend was nice and relaxing.  Hung out with sylvan and diagonti, worked on a doily, and watched Avatar, The Last Air Bender for much of it.

Today I have persistant hunger that I'm not sure will be sated with food, no matter how much I stuff in my face hole.  This knowledge doesn't stop me from trying.  At least I have about a half mile walk to/from the train, so I get in some exercise.