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led astray

January 2013

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led astray

hoo, boy

I don't like to be where I'm not wanted.  So when I'm told I have to switch rooms, I want to do it NOW, because I don't want to be spending time and sleeping in what is no longer My Room.  I want to get it over with like ripping off a band-aid.  Limbo is not comfortable for me.  I know where I stand, and to linger in what is not My Space feels like a cruelty.  So to the ends of making this transition as painless as possible, I am willing to do a lot of work, knowing I have no say in the matter.  It's a small, dark room with no sun exposure, that I'm disposing of a lot of stuff to fit into.  I understand this, and I accept it.  I am trying hard to embrace the changes in circumstance and be a gracious ward.  So here's the rub; I am but one unhealthy little girl and there are tons of crap to move.  I asked Katie to stay for a couple hours one morning this week to help me move some of Hoyce's stuff into the living room shelves.  She couldn't be bothered.  She had some shopping to do.  WTF?  It's for you and your fucking bully cat that this happening!  The least you could do is fucking help me a little goddamn bit!  But, no, no help to make this process easier from that port.  So after moving 4 of the combined 5 full bookshelves and reshelving the books, I asked Hoyce if he would clear off his desk (since he specifically asked me not to touch it) so I could move the desks today.  No, he worked all day and wanted to lay Skyrim, and on second thought, I can just go ahead and touch it, since that means he won't have to do it.  This morning he thanked me for understanding that he didn't feel like moving stuff after work.  So here I am, with a hurt back and half a room, tons more to move, and no help until tomorrow afternoon because they would rather be lazy in the morning and stay at her place tonight.  I'm annoyed and I feel like I can't express this annoyance because she's the wife and I'm the freeloading friends who has to move to make room for her and her cat and I UNDERSTAND my position, which is no position.  But is a little help too much for me to ask for?  Can I get a little empathy from the people I'm changing to accommodate?  No.  Can I stand up for myself about this? No, I have no ground to stand on.  It's just me and this anger that has nowhere to go but inwards.  So I'll see how hard my anger can push me to get more stuff moved and try not to hurt my back any further.  My sister sent me some cash for the holidays and I'm having trouble deciding not to spend it on weed...

Ok, now I've had my gripe I'm feeling less crucified.