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led astray

January 2013

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I'm scraping my bowl because I'm out of weed.  It's actually pretty good.  There's one benefit of smoking high-test.  I'm having my very first Gin and Juice (and seltzer).  It's not bad.  Not nearly as foul as gin alone.  And I'm burning my last stick of Nag Champa, which is probably my favorite.  If I had to choose one incense for the rest of my life, it'd be Nag Champa.  So I'm sitting here and drinking and doing my best to get very high.  Why?  Well, I'm terrified of life.  I'm terrified of screwing up everything that I touch.  I'm afraid I'll never be good enough or try hard enough, so I almost never apply effort.  I understand intellectually that this is not the best way I could handle my shit, and I'm interested in making real change.  I'm afraid that my change won't be real or lasting.  I'm afraid I won't try hard enough, so I don't try at all.  Counterproductive, I know.  I need to get back into therapy.  I'm still dutiful about my meds. I like not wanting to die.  But I could and should be doing better.  I'm creating the situations I'm trying to escape from with drugs, sex, and alcohol.  Viscious cycle this!  So if I'm aware of what's going on and understand that it's not working, why am I still doing it?  I can make the connection that this is what my mother does to "function" (at least in part), and I see how that's worked out for her and I definitely DO NOT WANT that life.  So what's the major malfunction?  Is it addiction?  Partly yes, but that's not the whole story.  I quit smoking cigarettes for nearly 20 years (occasional trips into bluntland notwithstanding).  I had quit smoking weed for 10 years.  There were a few years (with Scarn) when I barely even took a drink.  I had a nervoud breakdown and wore myself out living up to his expectations for me.  Where they all his?  Probably not.  I have to take some of the blame.  Scarn taught me that I could achieve, and then I tried to overachieve, and then I tried to be perfect.  I wasn't looking that hard for a job, not as hard as I should have been.  Shoulda woulda, if she coulda.  I wanted the hat thing to work so badly.  I kept thinking it would come easy.  I've read several positive-attitude-FTW books that reccomend positive thoughts and imagry.  I guess those guys didn't have bills to pay.  I hope that some day I will be able to give back to Hoyce for all his help.  I don't know where i'd be without him.  And he take a lot of shit from me.  That's something I can use to counter negative thoughts.  I must have some fucking goodness in me for someone to look out for me like he does.  That's proof right there to counter a worthlessness thought.  I wither without an audience.  I should really get ready to do some auditioning.  I think I would feel a lot better in general if I could be performing.  It's a weakness, a strong weakness of my character that I need an audience, attention, to be at my best.  I need a regular pat on the back to do my best.  Scarn was great about that.  But I can't expect that kind of attention form him anymore, and that's for the best, we're great friends still.  The best thing for me is probably to find a DBT group and go back into it.  It was really helpful when I was doing it.  Why did I stop doing it?  *shrug*  I miss yoga.  I liked having a teacher and other students around me to keep me going.  I never keep going on my own.  I like having someone watching and correcting me, like a director.  If I don't know what I'm doing and can't seem to glean it from my not too shabby intellect, this person will guide towards what I'm missing.  That's a teacher.  Had some good ones, come and gone.  Had some turn out to be frauds.  Had some potential teacher/student relationships ruined by sex in some sense.  I'm weak and I know it.  I say I want to be stronger but then I don't do the things I know I have to do to be strong.  Nobody is looking.  No one will see what a good job I can do.  I don't keep promises to myself.  I've been getting bad about breaking promises to other people, so I kinda stopped making them.  More and more time I spend alone, but feel desperate for human contact.  I know people are busy and I'm overly conscious about being needy.  I know I can be, and I don't want to be, but it's hard not to flip sides completely and clam up and never ask for help.  This is also not productive.  That's my struggle, ultimately, to strive for balance.  I can feel like a different person from day to day, but I'm starting to comprehend the idea of action and consequence.  I might have done and said those things yesterday, but they still exist today and tomorrow and the next day.  I want ridiculous things I can't have.  A boy here, a job there.  I've lost count.  I don't want them as painfully as I once did.  That's improvement.  I hold on to feeling too long, long past their "usefullness".  DOn't stop.  It's early yet, darlin'.  I've stopped caring about typos.  Now we're rolling merrily along.  Canter Merrily.  That's my favorite name ever.  I was so jealous I didn't come up with that.  But I'm glad someone did.  Oh, thanks, MC Chris, now I want Reeses Pieces.  I had pizza last night.  It's been happening more frequently.  I am displeased with myself.  I have almost entirely given up excersizing.  I've gone to cat sit every other day instead of the intended every day.  I have every reason to go every day.  More excerisze and more money and more kitty time.  Why the fuck am I not doing this?  Again, what's my major malfunction??  It's a no-brainer!  Yet here I sit, having neglected to go today, despite a distinct lack of other obligations.  SOmething is amiss in the wiring.  So, what to do about it?  Desperately seeking chemical escape is Not WOrking Out, so why have I not broken up with it?  Well, it retuens my phone calls and tells me everything is going to be ok.  You know, that thing I crave a partner or audience for.  It's going to be ok.  It sounds so simple.  It is a heavy faith to carry.  I haven't benn able to do it on my own.  I crave assurance.  But knowing what I could be IF suchandshuch does not help me.  I have to get over the neding someone else thing.  That's what therapy is for.  Right?  So I should go, right?  What's stopping me?  Excuses.  I have plenty of them.  I can tell myself that I'll never be able to be good to someone until I can be good to myself, but I don't believe it, not deep down.  I know that's not correct and healthy, but that's not what this entry is about.


And then I get upset with myself for having such relatively trivial problems compared to hunger, disease, or war.  Wtf right do I have to complain about my little agroaphobia?  I guess that's the extent of my American Dream, that I have the right to complain about my trifling worries when there are real horrors out in the real world.  Does it come down to my woes not being good enough just like the rest of me?  Is that irony?


I think I've lost my steam or motivation or both.Is this where I make my stand?  Do I call myself out on all of my shit right now?  Let's find out.


Comments

The best part about being the one creating the cycles and patterns which keep you from progressing? YOU and you alone are able to fix it. It's within your hands, so pick a place to start, a small place to start, and stick with it until you've mastered it. Then pick another.
Except that it's also the worst part for those of us with little self-discipline. :-P I've been doing small work, but it was time for a drunken look at the big picture. Some of it. It feels HUGE, even though I know I'm mostly functional. (((hug))) THanks for the confidence. I hope these are things I can overcome and move on to other life consuming Issues.
Discipline is something which grows with practice. Taking on a small task and following through on it will teach you the theory you can apply to much bigger tasks. Saying you have little self discipline keeps you in that spot. You have the potential for the same amount of discipline as a monk! You just have to cultivate it.
Discipline is up there with responsibility, in a cloud that I'm running to stay in front of. It's directly above me and i'm soaked, so why am I still running? I don't know where this is going. You're not wrong. And you're not an asshole either.