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led astray

January 2013

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led astray


My stubbornness has a new target.  I am trying to distract myself and not ruminate about it.  This argument was not about me second guessing someone.  Nono, this was about me drawing a line in the sand.  I find it inconsiderate when someone tells me they'll probably be here around 5ish, then doesn't bother to tell me they're going out to diner and won't be here until 8ish.  Meanwhile I'm left waiting and wondering.  It would have taken 20 seconds to send me a text to let me know.  Yes, I'm upset by such things.  So I said something, like I do.  Ignored.  Said something else, just a hey i wish you would have told me.  Then I get my current state of loneliness thrown in my face as an attack.  Then I get the third degree about it from Hoyce and am asked to answer why I didn't have the exact same reaction with another person at another time when similar inconsideration pissed me off.  I wasn't prepared for it, so I was stumped.  But then I went back and thought about it.  Not only did I have the same reaction, it set me up to have a miserable time and ask to be brought home almost as soon as I got to where I was being taken out. I don't have to answer for every reaction I have.  I don't have to be consistent with every person in every situation.  Why did I say something immediately this time and not that time?  Maybe I expect more from my friends who have similar brain difficulties and understand what I'm going through, who knows how lonely I am and claims to sym/empathise.  Maybe that's unfair of me, to expect more from people in the know.  But no, I am not sorry.  What I did to enrage her was expect her where and when she told me she would be, and then text her nearly 2 hours later to see what was up.  Oh, it has been brought to my attention that she never made concrete plans with me and used the word 'maybe', and therefore exempt her from having to "answer to [me]".  No, she does not answer to me.  No one does, not even me.  I asked a question, got a response, and got upset when the expectation of the answer was not met.  She feels I owe her an apology for freaking out on her ( i was quite polite) and being too needy from all my loneliness and taking it out on her.  I am lonely and needy.  I don't think that is fodder for an argument.  It does raise the stakes for me, but my comments were as calm and tactful as I have ever been because see, I've been working on my shit.  I was Crazy Angry, but I didn't act out.  I'm proud of that.  



((Hug #2))