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led astray

January 2013

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led astray

I have a welcome addition to the family of voices in my head, the Voice of Joe.  He's a lot more pleasant and helpful than the others, even though he says a lot less.  He twists his beard and nods a lot.  VoJ says living is the point.  I'm trying to make the living I do more in line with that statement.  He's helped me out of bed in the morning when I feel like there's no reason to participate in life, and from going to bed during a beautiful day, and to Do Something.  It's about time I had a voice that's an ally and not something to fight against or suppress.  I'm glad he left such an impression on me so I can internalize some of his calm and patience with life.  I'm glad to have known him and I am a better person for having him in my life.  I want to open myself up to being touched on a spiritual level by more of the important people in my life.  That means the barriers have to come down.  Sarcasm, bitterness, what Scarn calls my Spiky Armor.  I know that I have to work on myself a lot to get back to where I respect myself before I can ask other people to respect me.  Things are either too fast or too slow.  I can't ever seem to get to life right on time.  Oh, Patience.

I don't consider LJ a public forum.  I say a lot more here than facebook for example.  There are, in my estimation, 5-6 people who regularly read my LJ, and I consider them pretty close.  I don't bother with filters (except on rare occasion).  I don't say everything here.  There are things I don't say because I judge how they will sound or because I"m tired of hearing them in my head, or because it's nothing new.  I stew over the same shit now as ever, just in altered context.  My life has definitely gotten better since I was a teenager, but I think I regret not working as hard as I could on everything I put my mind to, or not putting my mind to enough of life.

With all this in mind, I have started a new project.  I have a skein of natural white merino & silk lace and a skein of bright red alpaca lace.  I'm making (I think) a shawl that i'm calling Baroness Dardanos.  :-)  Pics eventually.  I have all of 2.5 squares complete at this point, so there's not much to look at.  I am finding again with this craft that I much prefer written instructions over charts.  But I have to learn.  There's a page I <3 but all the instructions are charts that make my eyes cross.  Here is one of those things I just need to put my mind to and have patience.  I can absolutely learn to be fluent in Chart.  Oh shit.  I think I just gave myself homework.  I could have learned to sight-read music when I was a child, but I NEVER bothered trying.  I didn't practice.  I would mess something up once and decide I had failed.  Knitting has helped me learn a lot about that.  I fuck up all the time, but I can keep going back to fix it.  It's the only thing I've had patience with.  I still get frustrated and put projects down for a long time, but I keep doing other projects and be not frustrated with the concept of knitting, just one knitting project.  Hooray, I can learn!  
I'm going to go back to my project now for a bit, then I have to be responsible and run some errands.  But it's gorgeous out and I can wear my favorite sundress and get some exercise.  :-)


*HUGS* Just wanted to tell you I love you. :-) I like that VoJ visits you. He's a great guy and it's so cool to see his legacy spreads so far. You can definitely do this.

I was just at a lecture last night about living in Buddha Standard Time. Basically we all have 24 hours in a day. It is up to us what we do with them. Some of it is prioritizing and getting rid of the meaningless things we do that distract us and "waste" time. But the other side is lessons in being truly focused and present and aware in the moment we are in to make it more fulfilling and productive. We can't enjoy NOW if we're using NOW to worry about THEN (past or future). Time seems to go slow when we're bored/lonely/in pain/unsettled, and fast when we're having a good time or have a deadline. Then there are times we are very focused where we don't think of time at all. We just are where and when we are and are satisfied with that (like when you're really into a craft project and it's going well.)

I've got plenty of books and stuff on this sort of thing if you're ever interested in borrowing anything. I'm not great at it all the time, either, but the times I get it right are good things. *more hugs*

Oh, I found half a ball of yarn from those blue/purple arm warmers you made me years ago. I'll bring it this weekend so you can make something else amazing out of it. I certainly won't use it myself. :-)
(((hugs))) Thank you. I love you too. I am trying to read a bit more lately. This week it's been the PHB spells section. ;-) I'd love to get my hands on some Tich Nat Han (sp?) if you have any. And I believe that yarn was Malabrigo Prince of Wales. ;-) There might be enough for a hat. <3 Malabrigo!
No Thich Nhat Hanh, but definitely someone I should read more of too. Best might be for you to come over some night and pick a few things yourself. Dave is out of town for the week, so maybe Tuesday or Wednesday?

Some of the biggest strides I've taken towards feeling satisfied with life have been made by working on my frustration tolerance. I'm glad knitting has been helping you with that.

and yay, VoJ. :)