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led astray

January 2013

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led astray

whining, pics, and possibly triggering

Maybe struggle is the entire point of existing.

I'm having a difficult time adjusting to some changes. They are necessary, but unpleasant. I had a kind of interview this morning, another temp agency with more tests and maybes. I didn't do well. I didn't really care, either. I mean, I did my best. My best just isn't very office oriented. I'm panicked about getting a job. I have bad associations with my last few jobs. Just awful. Some of it was my fault, not all. I've been so isolationist the last year it's hard to imagine being out of the house all day. Of course, there is a lot more I could be doing to maintain the apartment. I haven't cared much the last few weeks. That sucks and is irresponsible and ungrateful. I need to do more to make myself valuable. But I kinda don't care. I just want to sleep. I have a couple projects (HA!) to work on, including one I started over a year ago that's now almost finished. It's a hooded capelet for larping. The yarn was from a friend's friend's grandmother's attic and had no tags. The best I can guess is a wool and acrylic blend. When I burned a piece it half melted and half burned so I washed a dried a swatch and it felted, but not so much that I think it's 100% wool. That says to me a little bit of water resistance. It's warm and can take a little wind.

I was playing with some lace and beads here

And this happened a while ago, but I don't think I posted it


I was put in a group on facebook by an old friend from GA. The posts came to my inbox, which was mildly annoying, but not enough for me to go fiddle with account settings. Later that day I accidentally noticed that this group is shared by the guy who raped me in high school. I found his name in big, bold letters in my inbox this morning (from the group posts emails) and promptly left the group. I sent a very mild and sweet note to my friend whose group it is that we were cool, but I don't want to be in that group. I clicked on his name and stared at a picture of him for a while. I stopped when I got the urge to vomit and take a knife to my screen. I didn't think I was still so angry about that. It wasn't even the act itself that pissed me off as much as the way he treated me afterwords. Denial. No apology. That's what burns. To be frank, it was uncomfortable, but he had a tiny dick, so not as bad as it could have been. Plus I was 100 pounds soaking wet back then, so I wasn't much of a struggle.

Odd thing of no consequence; yesterday I woke up and went to crochet and noticed I had an unbroken blister on my thumb. That's not unusual, given the vigor with which I craft when I'm feeling stabby. But it was in a spot that wasn't being used. And then a few minutes later it was gone. Huh? No sign of it since. *shrug*


Never wanted to go back in time just so I could strangle someone before. But that's just me being selfish and stupid. Not about me. Still...(moment of RAGE)... deep breath...((hug))
(((hug))) Thank you for your empathy and righteous anger. :-) Life dealt him some major shit to the point that I felt Karma had been served and nothing I could do could top it.