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led astray

January 2013

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led astray

return to Alliance

I had such a good time this weekend! There were a few awkward moments with people losing their tempers, but none of it was directed at or remotely related to me, so I was able to let it go pretty quickly. I had some awesome conversations with sistahraven and I can feel the bonds between us beginning to reform. I saw so many people I missed and made some new friends. The only real downside to my weekend was that on Saturday night, I got the ick and it pretty much floored me for the second half of the event. But until then I got a lot of exercise and had a blast with my (almost) no drama fighter chick. I am sore with scrapes and bruises, but in the good I earned this way. Now I need to sell more hats so I can play more!

Some people I care about are abusing their meat suits. Damn it, I don't like seeing people get hurt by things that they could have prevented. (And it's not just you, you know who you are.) Sometimes I know exactly what to say, knowing they don't want to hear it. Little abuses add up and can floor you with immediate consequence. But sometimes it's the little abuses that add up to a lifetime of suffering, a way of living that causes insidious damage that doesn't have an immediate clue-by-4 and are hard to point out. I don't care what you look like. There are greater health concerns, and you're getting to the age when they stop being small and annoying and start being deadly. I don't want to hurt feelings, and it's a sensitive subject. I don't need for you to be a waif, but I hate watching you grow and grow into morbid obesity. I encourage better eating habits and more physical activity, but at some point it stops being my problem.

On the bright side, Tink was a good girl while I was away.


To be clear, I had more sleep and more hydration and rest this event than I had two weeks ago (in a muggier environment with less protection from the weather) - at which I had absolutely no difficulties. At Crossroads, I was playing a combat-heavy character, on top of being in charge of the tavern, rather than just helping.

What happened on Sunday was, genuinely, unexpected. I had more people this weekend checking in with me for hydration and rest, I had more opportunities for non-sleep rest, I wore nothing but lightweight (and breathable) costuming and makeup, and I was on my feet about the same as at Crossroads. There was a reason Sunday's overheating took me by surprise - I overheated in less clothing with more rest than two weeks previously.

To be clear, I am not upset or hurt by your concern. I want you to understand this was not a case of me pushing myself too hard; this was a case of the math not adding up this time through. It might be that my body can endure a hard-fought event just once a month instead of twice a month. Whatever the case, it was not a case of me abusing my body. I take care of it as best I can, and will continue to adjust my limitations based on the information it gives me.
Defend all you like, I stand by my my assertions. And you would do the same were our positions reversed. I love you and you know how to take better care of yourself. You have limitations and you ignored them. I'm not wrong here. Consider it a friendly suggestion to keep track of your spoons in the future.
You neither inhabit this body, nor know its limitations better than the person who does.

I grow really weary of assumptions made about the level of care I provide to/for my body. There are times I knowingly cross a limitation, and this weekend was not one.

Nothing this weekend fell outside the self-care recommended by my medical or psych team. Absolutely nothing. Please do not assume that I had not factored in low sleep before the event even took place, or that I had not factored that into what I ate or how frequently I re-hydrated.

This is going beyond a friendly suggestion, Magdalen. This is telling me you know my limits better than I do. You do not.
I don't know your limitations. What I do know is that you make it a habit to push yourself, test yourself, and prove yourself. If no one else will say it and you want to be angry with me, I can't stop you.

I wish you didn't hear an attack in my words. None is meant.
I neither tested, pushed, or attempted to prove myself this weekend. You are not the only person who takes note of my limits, nor the only one who chooses to check in with me to ensure I am not exceeding them unnecessarily. The only limits I exceeded this event were in relation to duty (I wanted to NPC for an hour to represent part of the time cremating that Ansconi body would have taken, wanted to finish washing dishes on Saturday night).

I don't feel angry, I feel insulted by your choice to assume irresponsibility instead of talking with me first. You did not ask me about why I did what I did, nor did you ask me what things I had done to prevent overheating and dehydration. You assumed it was because I abused my body or pushed myself in some stupid attempt to prove my strength or endurance.

If you were to accuse me of that last weekend, I'd have agreed I'd overstepped a boundary in order to super-Saturday NPC deadlands and thug for them for twelve hours. I did not do so this weekend.

I have a vested interest in keeping track of my spoons - as it allows me to enjoy things like LARPing without having any more a long-term effect on my body than it does anyone else.

You were not present with me for all hours of that event, and you have no way of knowing just how diligently I worked to make sure I was hydrated (even when it majorly impacted my ability to play the game), or how often I sat out adventures, or took back row in a fight in order to keep from pushing it too far.

You assumed all the time I spent outside of your watchful eye was spent wasting spoons. I thought you knew me a whole lot better than that.
You are putting words in my mouth; irresponsibility, stupid, wasting. None of these things were meant nor implied.

You know me a whole lot better than to coddle you and tell you that everything was A-OK from my seat on the bench.
Considering your seat on the bench meant not actually observing me, you're being awfully judgmental. I'm done with people who don't observe something, and then when something happens - assume fault.

Do you know I have overheated like that doing such abusive things to my body like sleeping? Like walking in 40F weather?

Apparently not.

Sunday? Not my fucking fault. If you are going to be so invested in being right, rather than bothering to ask what things I had done to prevent things? We have come to a parting of the ways. I'm sorry being right was so much more important to you than believing your friend had no interest in being kind to her body.
It's not about me being right. I could be totally wrong. Like you said, I wasn't there. I never said it was your fault. I have no illusion that you wanted or invited anything to happen to you. I think this has gotten blown way out of proportion. I was trying to show care and concern. I may not be the most tactful person, but I was not placing blame.

I am going to ask that you take a week and reconsider writing me off. I have not sought to harm you. I had an opinion and I expressed it. If that is grounds to stop being my friend, then I guess I lose. You are special to me, but I won't bow my head under threat. I'm sorry you think I"m not worthy to be your friend because I stood up to you and told you what you didn't want to hear.
I will take a week.

I, however, am fairly certain I do not want to interact with someone who takes to a public forum to declare that I'm abusing my meatsuit without seeing if I *could* have prevented it, or asking what things I had done.

"I'm not wrong here. Consider it a friendly suggestion to keep track of your spoons in the future."

That is exactly about being right. I kept track of my spoons before and during the event. I got more sleep than I needed ahead of the event. I made sure, both mornings, that I was genuinely capable of healthy functioning. I followed my doctors' advice to NOT nap during the day (worsens my circadian rhythm issues), and to get my sleep in three-hour portions so I am getting a full REM cycle. I drank 8-10 oz of water every 90 minutes. I sat down as often as possible. I jogged for more than 30 seconds only 4-5 times over the course of the weekend. I limited trigger foods. I checked in with those around me, was honest in my assessments of how I was, and accepting of their assessments on my limits. I took off the skirt on Sunday to adjust for the weather. I asked for help when I needed it, set limits on how I could help in the tavern (no delivering of food, no standing over oven/stove, switching between tasks to avoid muscle burn out), and communicated those limits. I stood firm on those limits when confronted by someone who wanted me to do more.

When I overheated, I went STRAIGHT to the nearest cold-source, and requested an EMT. I immediately consumed over a pint of liquid to help cool my core. I allowed every person present to help, while communicating what had happened and what I needed. I did every single thing I was supposed to do to prevent an issue. Every last thing. I even made sure I had no commitments today so I would have a day of rest afterward.

The person who spent the most time by my side this weekend, who is fully aware of my limitations (and happy to bluntly call me on it if I am pushing it), was completely shocked by Sunday. The person with me in the twenty minutes beforehand was shocked. I went from fine to overheated in the span of about five minutes.

This came out of the blue. The only thing I wish I had done? Take a cool shower in the morning. That is far from this being preventable. Far from being abuse of my meatsuit.

Yes, I worked more than twice the amount of hours in which I slept. That is almost every day of my life. Four times in the past month I've gotten less than three hours of solid sleep, all without overheating or collapsing, all while doing the same level of physical action as how I currently LARP.

There was a way to approach this with compassion, without assuming I was being abusive to my meatsuit. There was a way to approach this without presumption or righteousness, without accusations that you're "not on the short list of people [I] trust," despite being open with you about a lot of pretty personal things this weekend.

You advised me to take better care of myself on a weekend when I sacrificed a great deal of my happiness in order to take phenomenal care of myself. This was, to my eyes, baseless judgment, and that is not something I tolerate. I will stand up for work I have accomplished when someone tries to tell me I hadn't done it correctly. This is part of having an autoimmune disorder; sometimes, you can just fucking collapse.

So yes, I will take a week away from you, as time away from this level of hurt would be a good thing. Just don't expect me to be forgiving of someone who would choose to judge me before asking me about what happened.
I didn't call you out in public. If you look, you'll see that your name was not mentioned, and in fact I feel worse about what I said to the other people I was talking to.

Ok, maybe I just don't understand why you would walk past a fairly cozy bunk that you made to sleep in to sleep on the concrete floor in the Tavern.
This is a public post, and we both know at least one of the people you declared was abusing their bodies was me.

Why I opted to sleep in the tavern? On Friday night, it was partly because everyone in the Hunt cabin was still awake, meaning I would not be able to fall asleep for at least an hour. I needed as much sleep as I could, and I knew the tavern would have two safe people (already asleep), and have two people awake downstairs who I consider enforcers of safety. I knew I would fall asleep within minutes. I opted for the floor rather than the rack out back so as not to wake up Tino or Zig. The other part was knowing that a sleeping bag on top of a mattress would be a soft surface, and therefore increase my body temperature (especially since I have to sleep *inside* the sleeping bag so I can't hit anyone if I startle awake). It had the added bonus of giving me the option of not missing breakfast from over-sleeping. In order to get sleep in increments of three hours, I had the option of getting up around breakfast start-time (8a), or sleeping through breakfast entirely (11a), or missing the REM cycle timing and feeling like shit all day.

Saturday night? It was partly a temperature issue again, but also really not having the cope for agoraphobia. I would have taken a long time to fall asleep because it would have been the first night adjusting to the different sleep sounds of the folks in the cabin. Also, the soft surface issue again. Going to sleep in the tavern at the same time as Zig and Tino also meant the more comfortable option of sleeping on a rack. It had the added bonus of, again, not missing breakfast (unless I chose to sleep in and have a plate reserved or something).

Both mornings, I awoke feeling a bit sleepy, but rested and capable of being up. I took a good half hour each morning, being quiet and still, deciding if I was going to choose to be awake, and on Sunday, both Zig and Tino checked in with me to make sure I *wanted* to be awake.

I am always happy to explain why I made a particular choice if a friend asks. I own when I push myself too hard (like driving way too long and getting way too little rest to super-Saturday Deadlands), and I own when I'm being stubborn (like wanting to finish the cleanup for Saturday dinner this weekend).
Against all wisdom I'm going to wade in here to suggest a time out.

Mags you're blunt. Kate your're stubborn. If genuinely caring about a friend taking caree of themselves and lacking sensitivity and tact when telling them is enough to cause longtime friends to kill their friendship then by all means continue. If not, perhaps a time out and trying to contemplate either person's position.

Do not reply to this. I do not wish to hear either position further explained. I feel like I know where you're both coming from, and I sincerely believe this is a stupid, stupid fight and not nearly worth ending a friendship over.

I am now ducking back into the shadows.