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led astray

January 2013

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Having some trouble justifying my existence today.  Let me see.  I did dishes and prepared a bill to get mailed out.  That's about it, really.  Had a bad willpower vs. comfort eating day.  My weight is getting on my nerves again.  I weigh more than I ever have and once again, my clothes are getting too tight.  I have to get control of my body.  I need more exercise and less pasta.  Sounds easy, right?  I lack the discipline to keep this change going.  It's too easy to make a huge batch of food and then eat large portions because it tastes good.  It tastes to me like worth, like if I can cook food that tastes good enough (and eat enough of it?) I can be satisfied with my life.  I understand abstractly that that's not true, but application and implementation don't give a shit about abstracts when I'm face to face with lasagna (for example).   

It's really frustrating that when I start to make some headway I lose it pretty quickly.  I can make decisions like nobody's business.  But sticking to them, there's the tricky part.  I have to discover how to keep going when I can't see results (because they're slow).  Patience, still a severe lack in my arsenal.


I can't even count how many unfinished knitting projects I have that I lost interest or patience with.
My coping skill for the 'will eat endlessly' thing? Small bowls, and make it a decent walk to go get more.

Ultimately, my laziness will win out after like the 5th tiny bowl of food. Which means I only actually eat about 1.5 normal-sized bowls, which is far more reasonable.
Hehe. Tricksy hobbitses. Food will almost always trump laziness for me. I might need to make a switch to more spicy foods, so satiety is when my mouth burns too much to eat more, and not when I'm so full it hurts. It's easy for a while, a few days at a time.