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led astray

January 2013

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led astray

There are some people that I just don't like. Then there are people I don't like because I see things I don't like about myself in them. Then there are the rare jewels that encompass both of these. I'm talking about Stevie, the documentary. Here's this guy, seriously fucked in the head dude, and there are times I empathize with him. It makes me have to question my sanity because I'm nothing like this guy and I disagree with every breath he takes. He makes me want to do violence to end him, but then I recall being the social outcast from a broken family with no friends and an awkward belligerence and I have to have a mental process about why I don't also need to die. I don't know why I keep watching it.

Then there was this "job". I use quotes because of something the doc said to me. So Tuesday they call me in for a second "work interview". The theory is I work for a while and they evaluate my performance and see if they want to work with me. Awesome! That's a foot in the door. I go in, get there early, look great, calm and confident because I got this in the bag. Doc isn't in that day. The girl I'm replacing and who's showing me the basics of what I have to do is leaving at noon. She has a kid and has to be home for him and is only staying on a couple days for a couple hours to help out while I learn the ropes. But then I learn I'm supposed to stay and take over for Leaving Girl until 4. Qua? So who's going to evaluate me while the person hiring and the person training aren't there? Guess they trust me. But I'm prepared for this. For one thing, I didn't pack a lunch and I didn't have money to buy any, and it's not as if I could reliably get home and back in the hour I'd have for lunch, so I went home at 12 when the office took lunch break, promised another chance tomorrow because there was a lack of communication about what and how long I was going to be doing this work interview. I get up feeling good, go in early, and prepare to stay late. The day is stressful, but I hold my own. Did I take some liberties? Yes. I also kept quiet while he called me and all the other females around him "hun". I thought it was just a laid back kind of place. Anyway, at the end of day 1, which was kinda day 2, they gave me the keys to the office and asked me to come back the next day when no one else would be there. Doc tells me it can get boring so feel free to play the radio, etc. Then he calls with an assignment. I'm supposed to call patients who haven't been in a while, basically soliciting dental service. I'm not entirely comfortable with this, but damned if I'm going to let a little thing like that keep me from a paycheck, so I make calls. I call and call and call. Overall, not a bad day. I think, great. I'm in. Day 3(4). I get there early, sober, ready for a full day of work, a little more confident now that I've had a day to get used to the office and the software. And oh, what a day. It was hectic, people were angry (not without some justification) and I'm beyond overwhelmed, but I'm trucking. All the time people are telling me what a good job I'm doing, how quick and clever I am and I think I must be doing better than I feel, it's going to be ok, lunch is soon and you can breathe for an hour before you go back in for round 2. But at the end of round 1 on day 3/4, I was told it's not going to work out, here's a check for my time, goodbye. WTF?? Stunned, I asked what it was that had been so bad. Doc said he had seen me texting (everyone else was texting and I thought it was tolerated) and I had plugged my iPod into his computer without asking him and what if it had wiped out the files of all his patients. Whoa, ok I can see why you'd be annoyed, but I ask if maybe these weren't more worthy of a reprimand than a firing. Then he tells me I haven't been hired yet, I'm still on my working interview and I texted during my interview. I'm sure there were more and other reasons, but I'm more than a little ripshit for the waste of my time and the fucking emotional roller coaster. It really went a lot like my relationship with Q: This could be good, this is good, this is beyond good and on its way to something beautiful and fulfi.....what do you mean we're done here?



I boggle. I genuinely boggle.
Yeah. Nothing like a good mind-fuck.