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led astray

January 2013

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led astray

self-administered Clue-X4

Am I destined to become what my grandmother wants me to be? How about what my mother taught me to be? All their voices in my head, drowning my own voice out. I don't know who I am, but I've been made from cheap materials. My whole structure is weak, propped up by the esteem of others. I don't know if my motives are true or if they're lies I tell myself to cover darker intentions. I am thoroughly addicted to tobacco again, and it's time I admitted it. Sugar, white flour, butter, cheese, all hold the ball for my lonely, tired arms. I know I'm no good to anyone just now. And I'm not so good to myself. Yet I lose myself in old old daydreams where I'm some compassionate savior figure sacrificing myself for the good of someone else. Oh, yeah, got some of that ugly in the mix. The old, "I'm not good enough and/or I'm too good."

I am reminded of my recent vacation stomach bug. There was nothing in my stomach for hours, but I kept on heaving, erupting bile filled pustules somewhere deep within my guts. Perhaps this is what my brain is doing.

**I have an interview tomorrow. :-) Even better, they sound desperate!

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::big safe hugs::
Thanks. I need them.