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led astray

January 2013

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led astray

yuck space

I'm sick of being alone, but i discovered today and yesterday that I don't really feel comfortable being around people. To make up for what I see as character flaws, I've been cooking and knitting in addition to my drug regimen. When I finish a cute warm hat or a yummy dish, I feel approval with myself and like my continued existence is worthwhile. I have nothing really to say to anyone and kind of want company, but only if I don't have to be entertaining or interesting. So lonely, yet so reclusive. Ugh. I kinda want to reach out for help, but I don't really have a need. I'm uncomfortable in my skin and the only thing I can do is sit with it. Or I could continue to stuff my face with pie and lungs with smoke and liver with liquor and I'm still going to have disquiet. All those things I told myself I'd do if only I had time? I have time now. What Am I doing about it? Very little. I'm still proud of myself for getting out of bed most mornings. I've spent so much time alone lately that I feel weird when anyone else is around, even the roommies. Just awkward. I'm anxious and lonely and pining for something that isn't there to be had. Then when people are around, I can't relate. I want an easy escape, but I also want to put in effort and make something work just for me. I want to pay back my fucking college loans and, more importantly, my friends everything I owe. And I want the strength to do it all and do it well.

I have a bunch of hats outside drying. Sweet potatoes in the oven.


::big safe hugs::
Thank you, darlin.