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led astray

January 2013

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i don't even know

Still in Limbo. Had a bad afternoon, but Hoyce got us awesome sushi for dinner and we both have some left for lunch tomorrow. Yay, sushi!

I need more paperwork doing time.

Distraction is running thin. Soon I'll see what's really left. Clean it out. Repack it. The stitches aren't ready to come out. I wonder how much the different troubles are impacting the way I see the others. I wonder if I can manage. There are moments I'm completely in control, and almost at peace, or at least acceptance. I have to find out what I'm really made of. I have to deserve the chances people have taken on me. I have to live up to my promises to myself. What am I? Where is my value? I can see small changes, occasional marked good decision recognition and follow-through. At times I feel like things are going to be ok. Other times I yearn to be held. So what is in here? What do I have to offer the world? Oh, angst. And I fucking miss that stupid-headed boy, damnitall! It should be the last thing on my mind, but there it is. I've been good. I haven't contacted him. I'm pretty sure he doesn't miss me or care that I miss him and I still feel like a pathetic loser. I'm trying to be Buddhist about it. The glass is already broken when you first encounter it whole. The impermanence exists from the moment of creation. That does not make the glass any less special or beautiful and you have to love the glass for every moment because it won't be there forever kind of thing. *sigh*

Anyway, the Great Stash Purge is ongoing. I have to figure out something to do with my finished items. I need the drawer space for yarn.