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led astray

January 2013

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led astray

 So much truth in so short a span can make one frightfully dizzy. Today I realize that I am the very spirit and image of someone I can't bear to hear speak. This one who is too fast and too psycho with her man. And then here I am doing the exact same thing. I say that she's why men think bitches be crazy. That means I am why men think bitches be crazy.



If I may feminist rant for a moment:

Perhaps bitch don’t be crazy. Perhaps their behavior makes perfect, logical sense if the men involved were willing to step outside their world view for five minutes. He could imagine that someone had spent X amount of time cultivating a frequently-dependence-based relationship (because that’s the prototypical heterosexual model) which is overdetermined for the woman involved due to social forces that, while the man involved might have no control over, he certainly isn’t subject to, and that whatever it is that caused him to abandon that, maybe he could have discussed it before lying-through-omission for X amount of time. Some men even go so far as to use this dynamic to absolve themselves of responsibility for not cultivating deeply unhealthy relationships for exactly so long as it is convenient for them.

There are enough such men, in my experience, that the so-called "hysterical" response can become generalized, through years of pent-up frustration and a lack of socially-sanctioned appropriate reactions. I mean, in 19th century Britain men stabbed each other over less. These days... you could post mean things about him on the internet?

These men should then imagine that they don’t get to resort to violence when their self-image is challenge, and in fact are left with no recourse, and the frustration and hurt and betrayal boil up in ways that are limited to females in our culture, because men are allowed more outlets and fewer emotions and aren’t encouraged to rely on other people at all, and certainly aren’t defined by the women they are attached to, so usually the promise they were given is less central to the self than the one the gave. And, because we live in a misogynistic culture, anything that is primarily feminine has to be discounted, belittled and dismissed. And since we live in an able-ist culture, one way this happens is by labeling perfectly reasonable and logical behavior “crazy”.

So it sucks. Feeling that way sucks. And also, having a world that wants you to shape not only your body or behavior, but also your emotions for the convenience of men sucks too, and isn’t fair. And if that's the only world some of these women have ever experienced, where would they have learned better ways of interacting? When the only option is to bottle it up until they explode, it is at least no longer irrational, even if it's not admirable.
/feminist rant

It doesn't mean that people who continue the cycle over and over couldn't benefit from finding ways to break out, or wouldn't be more pleasant to be around if they didn't hit their head against the same wall over and over. But it does suggest that perhaps behavior can not be attributed exclusively to an individual, and resisting that first impulse to blame the woman who appears to be acting irrationally is a feminist act. As is attempting to change the underlying dynamics that make some people, those who do this for their entire lives, kind of annoying to be around.
You're awesome. :-D
Thanks for that. I know I can be intense. That's just how I do. I have been trying to learn a better way. I didn't learn it fast enough.