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led astray

January 2013

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do what?


I have to question my very sanity.  Could it really have been all in my head?  The things we shared?  The way we got each other all the time?  The shared intuition and the good omens?  To type it out and see the words belittles the experience so much I can begin to see his point of view.  It does read a bit silly.  He didn't want to be my partner.  He wants to be his own partner.  I have to respect that, but the pieces don't fit.  He said he didn't know he could lie without opening his mouth.  That's what our intimacies were, just a silent lie.  I am humiliated for having been so gullible.  I'm ashamed at having been so brazen and stupid.  I'm angry at my weakness and my pitiful attempts to plead him back to me.  How can I trust my judgement?  How can I have been so wrong about something like this?  I would swear in court that he loved me, but he doesn't.  I thought I could wait and take it easy, slow, patiently.  I couldn't.  It only hurts so much because it was so right.  My timing sucks.  We.  I keep going over this word because it's wrong.  Me.  I was the only one in the relationship.  It was a happy trip to fairy land and now I have to get back to living in the real world where shit doesn't work out because it's fucking perfect.  Where we have to shave the curves off round pegs to fit them in square holes.  The place where people don't connect on ethereal levels and awaken childsight to the world's beauty.  The place where that's all my imagination.  How sad is it then, that I should have to dream all this up around this poor, emotionally exhausted boy who tried to tell me in the beginning that this would happen?  How can all this be real in my head and I be still sane?  Fucking emotions! 


Sometimes, moments can have monumental meaning for one person, and be empty for the person standing right next to them. Happens even to the best of us.
And that's what makes the world so sad sometimes. So fucking heartbreaking.