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led astray

January 2013

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handmade

mah bliss, you helps me find it?

I'm still in that post undergraduate slump.  My job isn't liveable.  I go in today and hopefully find out I have a FT position, or I'm going to lose the rest of my Ok.  I need to figure out how to live on the things I love.  I've heard, "follow your bliss" so many times I could choke on it.  Great advice, if you know what your bliss is.  I have things I enjoy, but my real bliss is in loving someone.  Well, that hasn't worked out so good and puts me out more than I would like.  So what's my alone bliss?  What are the things I love to do when I'm alone?  I miss the hell out of the stage.  I've been too afraid to sing in ages.  I used to love singing.  I probably still do, but my fear of humiliation and rejection have kept me from it for so long.  (Q was learing to play some song on the guitar that I could sing to and that really chokes me up to think about how beautiful and fulfilling that would have been).  I love to knit.  And I love weed.  Part of the problem is that I'm afraid of hard work.  I don't know why this is, but it's a life long pattern.  I'm afraid of trying so hard and ultimately having my efforts amount to nothing.  So I save my effort.  But for what?  I've come upon a new definition of waste, such that anything that is used is not wasted.  Eating more than I need because I'm seeking comfort is wasteful because I'm not about to starve and I don't need blubber to keep me warm.  Yarn I make into something I wear isn't wasted.  Yarn that sits in my bins unused is being wasted.  Love I don't give is wasted.  So I have to apply that definition to effort.  Effort unused is wasted.  Even if I don't succeed, I have to believe that the effort has helped me on some greater, more subtle cosmic level.  But I need to find out how to make a living doing the things I love.  Suggestions are appreciated.

On him, I'm still really sore, but I only broke out into sobbing twice yesterday, so I sense recovery.  That's positive.  He's avoiding me like I have cooties.  Is it guilt or shame or stupid boy defensiveness fearing I'm going to gut him or something?  I told him I'll try to leave him alone until he's ready to face me.  It's about the hardest thing for me to do, but I'm going to do it.  I can't rationalize him back to me or argue him into loving me.  If it's not there, it's not there.  I can't force it.  I am powerless to change this, so I only hope to reach acceptance soon.  I still have that firefly of hope that lights up once in a while to tell me this will work itself out given time, that he really does love me but isn't ready to accept it yet, that I'll show him the patience he asks for over the next few years and when we both have our shit together we'll run magically back into each others arms.  I know these are delusions manifesting from the union of hope and denial.

And so I need to find and focus on my bliss and incorporating my bliss into a marketable skill set.  Please help.  If my distraction form boy sads is proactive and improves the quality of my life, perhaps this can have worked out all for the better...and now i go cry some.

Comments

There is a wisdom in trying and failing. For in that, we learn what doesn't work, or we learn coping skills, or we learn that failure doesn't destroy us.
Something in this post has been sticking with me all day, so I'm mentioning it: in the list of things you really love about life, you say, And I love weed. right alongside theater and knitting - two things I know you really, really love.

Thus, thee usual cautionary statements apply: If THC has gone from training wheels to love, a re-evaluation of your use of/relationship to it may be in order.
(((hug))) I do consider my relationship to weed. It has been occupying a larger part of my wish fulfillment than I would like. I'm not confident in the rest of my structure's ability to cope without the crutch for the moment. I have every hope that this will pass. I need a few more things to level out first.
::big hugs:: It may sound silly, but thank you for not being angry at my mention of this.

::more big hugs:: I can very much understand. If there's any way I can help, I'm (and we're) here.
It isn't silly at all. If I can't hear the truth from my family, who can I hear it from? (((hug))) You're not wrong. You're not even an asshole. ;-)
Wooot. I'm not an asshole! :)