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led astray

January 2013

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led astray

much good

I'm full of warm fuzzies and amiable whatnots, and I still want for better employment.  This tells me it is not just my perception making this job uncool, but there is substance behind the nagging desire to get the fuck out of there.  Confirming this may free up indecisive brain space to get me back in gear sending out resumes.  I can fill a cube somewhere for a couple years to live while I gather myself and prepare for the next stage of this journey.  Heck, I've been in far less glamorous jobs for far less money.  Perhaps Thursday I should journey out to a couple temp agencies.  What does one wear to do such a thing?  Interview clothes?  Nice jeans and a blouse?

I want to go see the new Nightmare on Elm Street when it comes out.  The original was my first real horror movie experience.  It was scary as all get out when I was young, but when I revisited it later, it didn't stand the trials of time.  I'd like to see the updates.

Someone is walking down the street whistling a jaunty tune!  :-D  I love Boston.

I'm currently working on Object Constancy.  That's what they call the knowledge that something exists when it isn't in your presence.  Children learn this as toddlers by using a safe figure (a family member or caretaker) as a base from which to explore the world.  The child will get so far and then run back to base to make sure it is still there before continuing to explore farther, then returning to base and so on.  The object (safe person) stays constant (fixed in space) in the mind of the child, even if line of sight is broken.  It's the same sense of knowing where your furniture is in the dark.  You don't see it, but you know where you can walk in the dark to avoid injury.  Without object constancy, it's as though someone was in your home, rearranging your furniture every day while you were away, then you entering in the dark.  Without the light to show what is there, I am terrified to walk across the room.  Losing line of sight of my mother meant losing her for real.  I still have trouble knowing a person is there for me if I'm not in their presence, but it's letting up.  I'm not petrified that anyone important to me is going to disappear if I take my eyes off them anymore.  I think part of my hermiting has been testing this in myself.  But Now I know that if I don't talk to sylvan or sistah for a couple days, it's not because we don't care or because someone has vanished, but because I don't have to make that connection all the fucking time to know it's there anymore.  I love my friends, they are what have kept me in the world this long.  I know that they care if they go away for a while, and they know that I care if I go away for a while.  It's the smallest things that get overlooked.  The idea that this thing will be in this spot is such a comfort.  I don't have to wonder which version of someone is going to show up when I talk to them because my friends treat me with consistency.  They aren't going to drop me or snap on me for no reason and without warning like my mother did.  I can be pretty sure that if I'm not being an asshole, my friends will be good to me.  Hell, even if I am being an asshole my friends are good to me.


Interview clothes for the temp agency.

And yep, I'm still here.