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led astray

January 2013

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led astray

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I'm home from work today.  I'm on IM, but invisible to hide from grandma in case she logs on. I still hold a grudge for whoever showed her how to use IM.  I want to be leaving for China soon.  I know I need to wait.  I just suck at that part.  Tracing that one back, there are a multitude of nights sent to bed, still waiting for my savior, my mother, to come rescue me from the tyrant Dame (grandma).  This was back before I knew, back when all she did was dissapoint me.  *cleaning break*  I am way too sensitive.  Hey look, a lesson.  I wonder how China will be.  Lots of lessons awaiting me there, I'm sure.  There is a part of me that fantasizes about living there for years and years.  And then I feel the terror peek out of the corner I swept it into and I wonder if I can manage it on my own.  I like to imagine that I'm an independent agent, but the reality is that I have not survived on my own.  There has always been someone(s) helping me along, making sure I didn't fall too hard.  Not an easy job when I'm constantly throwing myself to the ground.  I know some of the best people in the world, and I don't want to abandon them.  I want to be able to give back the support and generosity given to me, but to do that I have to be actually self-reliant.  I can't hold someone above the water if I'm already drowning.  Things in this country are for shit right now.  I am going to seek "greener" pastures.  Living frugally, with free housing, on $40K a year, I could reasonably pay off half or more of my existing debt in one year.  Two years?  All my debt could be paid off, debt that gets deeper every year I spend here.  Three years?  Four?  Down payment on a house?  LOL  I have to leave the country for several years in order to realize the American Dream.  That's getting ahead of myself.  I have committed to one year and a possibility of two.  And that's in 3/4 of a year from now.  This is helping me feel better.  I need to get back in therapy.  No more excuses.  *cooking update: I take back any harsh words I may have uttered about tonight's dinner perhaps being too tart.  I take it all back. *Drool**  I wonder if I can get a small crockpot in China?  Er, they probably have something similar.  Going to have to learn how to cook for 1.  :-/  Or I'll have to feed all my new friends in China!  :-)  OMG I just opened my mail.  I keep thinking that I'm done calling and begging for leniency, time, lower payments, but they keep coming up to the top of the OHSHIT pile.  Ugh.  I'm making mixtapes (CDs).  I need to pick Mandarin back up.  I have a Netflix in Mandarin coming tonight.  Maybe that will stir the inspiration.  I started on what I think will be a gorgeous hat for grandma.  I haven't made her anything in a few years and I've gotten a lot better.  And I have a shirt I lovelove made from bamboo, but doesn't fit anymore.  It probably won't fit me again.   I'm not sure what to do with it.  I could use the space in my drawer.  *dishes break*  Room is a little better.  I have named my crockery creation Caramel Stew (in the top 5 presents of all time).  *drool*  I finished my mixtapes, washed some knits, paid a bill.  It's been a decent day.  Going to take a break and knit.

Comments

The only way to know if you can is to try. I think you can. You'll miss all of us, sure, but you'll get through with grace, humour, and a sense of adventure.
(((hug))) Thanks. As Tom Petty says, the waiting is the hardest part. Sitting here wondering if I can do it is way worse than actually doing it (and is the launching point of many a panic attack).