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led astray

January 2013

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oh yeah?

turn, sit, turn

 Still feeling crappy.  I didn't make it to work at all last week, but I seem to have cashed in some karma and got money from grandma as well as a Holiday bonus from work, so things are not as dire as they seemed.  I got a nasty migraine last night that kept me up most of the night and is threatening to return this morning.  I missed a party yesterday that I really wanted to go to, and I'll be missing the work holiday party tonight.  I just don't have it in me.  I don't think I got H1N1, but whatever it is has given me a sound thrashing.  

In a happy happenstance, I was recently given some yarn by a girl at work who tried the knitting thing and it just didn't take.  It was some black fuzzy stuff and some green of the same, stuff I wouldn't have thought to buy myself.  But it was bulky and it was there, and I have been in a string of small gauge knitting, so in bored desperation, I pulled it out.  Visions of a granny shawl inspired my hands and in about 2.5 days of home sick, the vision became reality.  It was fuzzy and soft and lightly patterned, a big triangle of cozy.  I brought it to D&D, and angelheart fell in love with it!  :-D  One of my very favorite feelings is when someone likes something I've knit!  So we made a deal.  She erased what I owed her on the board in exchange for the shawl.  :-D  More happiness!  I'm not sure how much was up there, but that is a weight off my chest.  And it turns out what I owe Casa de Malbert is not near what I thought it was.  (There are still several people I owe HUGE sums to, but hey, baby steps.)

And some hilarity to add.  Grandma called my sister and told her about our arguments, with a fun spin.  Remember at one point I had to ask my grandmother what she would do if I were homosexual.  I'm glad I did, as it set up the following exchange;
G'ma to Sis; "...then she asked what I would do if she were gay, and then everything started to click into place!  [mother] had told me years ago, but I didn't think..."
...BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA  I almost feel like a bad person getting such joy from my family's bigotry.  Almost.  I haven't decided which path to take, as so many funny options compete for humorous effect.  Do I neglect to put my sexual preferences up for scrutiny and remain neutral in speech, leaving the question forever burning in her mind?  Do I open wide and explain in lurid detail the legacy of my sexual explorations?  Do I let her decide I'm totally gay and watch her squirm?  It might detract from the grad school debate.  How can she argue that my choice is queer if she believes I'm queer?  (Queer here is definitely used as a derogatory term for homosexual.)  *sigh*  I know me.  If she asks, I'll probably tell her the truth.  Won't that be fun.  I do like sex with women, grandma, and men too, at the same time if I can get it!   It's only fair.  I know more about her sex life than I ever wanted to.  She may never learn that some doors once opened may never be shut!  It's just about the last things I've been holding out on telling her.  Maybe it's time.


There is a reason why, of all the derogatory words for homosexuality, “queer” is possibly the best-reclaimed. It’s threatening to people who value normalcy and centrality, but all the things that make that word “bad” to them were what gay culture was celebrating. “Normal” was the last thing the early gay crusaders wanted to be. Now, of course, things have changed a bit with the Heather Has Two Mommies movement, but what your grandmother’s objecting to is something I’d see as a good thing still.

For me my sex life and boundaries around it was a power thing. The fact that I camped it up at home and still refused to come out was a message of “this part of my life is mine and not yours.” Of course, I’ve now brought home a boy and ruined all my carefully-cultivated questioning of my sexuality, but it worked for a long time.

So I’d say come up with the boundaries that make you happy. If you are just trying to protect her, it doesn’t sound like that’s what she wants. If you are trying to avoid her prejudice, it might be worth it but it might also not be. If this is a boundary that you’d like to have between your life and hers, then it’s none of her business who you sleep with, how often and in what manner.

Maybe some day we should do a gay culture weekend and watch campy old movies, drink cocktails and objectify sexy people. Not that that’s so different than other times we hang out, but this time it would be more gay and historical!
It's totally different! We usually drink beer. ;-)

Boundaries are something my family is generally unfamiliar with. I had to learn them on my own and I'm still dubious in my usage of them. On one hand, not having them can be liberating. On the other hand, having them gives a measure of privacy. I teeter on the fence a lot, but usually err on the side of honesty in the face of interrogation. What gives me pause in this instance is more that I'm in a serious de-sexing process (which will also make no sense to her) and trying to identify myself in the absence of sex. I feel like having to define myself sexually to anyone is antithetical to my process. I can only put it off until Friday and hope she doesn't bring it up.

I second Sylvan's advice of making boundaries which make you happy. She'll have her bigotry no matter what you choose, so the important thing is that you feel comfortable with it.

I'm glad to hear about the knitting for debt-erasing exchange. That's made of win :)
Yeah, family and boundaries are fuzzy lines. They have a very all or nothing approach to being in my life, preferring all, and with it, control (parental, not sibling). I haven't found a way to keep boundaries without her thinking I don't love her, but I have given up on protecting her feelings with lies and placations.
Might be time to make a "if she asks, this is what I'll disclose" plan. Might be the type of boundary which offers you the most options.
It was about $200, but I'd sort of written it off mentally if not actually off the board. But I now has a beautifully made new fuzzy so it is all good! So soft, and you really dd a great job on the pattern. Very lacey but with the chunky yarn... It's terrific! You're really talented with your needles. :-D And I was right. It is the perfect thing to cover my head when I sleep. Warm and soft but I can breath which I can't do if I cover my head with the blankets. Except that Boo thinks the ties are Boo toys. "Get the snake!" It was very cute, but have to be careful so she doesn't unravel it or something. :-)
I'm glad Boo likes it too. hehehe