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led astray

January 2013

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led astray


Oh, I'm sick. My head feels like a brick. Sudafed, excedrine, zinc drops, juice, these are the orders of the day. Tomorrow it doesn't matter how sick I am. I have to fucking go to work.

Tink is upside down with her tongue hanging out, looking at me like I'm upside down with my tongue hanging out. LOL I love my Special girl.

How many times will I allow myself to be let down before writing someone off? I wrote off my mother, and it was probably the best thing I ever did for myself. How much more of grandmere's negativity will I choke down? I wrote her off for a couple years in there, but I relented. I wonder if I am too forgiving. There are certainly people I am willing to take more crap from than others. What draws that line? What is enough? And what makes me relent? Grandma has guilt on her side. She's old and miserable and controlling, but that doesn't make the things she says and does ok. I've stopped all but the most cursory greetings to other people for far less. Is it because she's family? She did raise me for most of my young years. Of course, that shines light on so very many other issues I don't have the energy to get into. I know she had a hard life. I know she struggled. But she has very little empathy. And I think that might be the key. Her struggle left her hardened. I don't operate from that place anymore. It's not how I want to live my life. With mother, it became a matter of sanity and safety to stop all communication. How will it affect me (or grandma for that matter) if I cut off communication with her? She'll think I don't love her. She'll never understand the ways I love. Is there any real benefit or detriment? Benefits I can see. The biggest detriment I envision is guilt. Is knowing that she tried good enough reason to keep talking to her, even though I loathe almost everything she is and wants me to be? How much stress am I really encountering on her behalf? I know some of what she says makes sense, but it's covered by the stale rhetoric of old fashioned hatred for anything "other".

Ah, fevered rantings (because I have a fever).