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led astray

January 2013

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pedestal

mid-day update

Ah, the family phone call is always post-worthy. It is no wonder I have no faith in my ability to make decisions, and that making no decision is less scary. I just got an hour's worth of why this grad school program is no good. And we got back to how there are no jobs except teaching and nursing ever to be had by anyone, especially me. I was also warned against, I kid you not, taking classes that I might find interesting. If it's interesting, there's no way it can make money. That not only shits on the variety of jobs available in the world, but also on what things I find interesting. *My interests are worthwhile.* Ugh. I could go through every sentence and dissect it to pull out the barbs at the root of my frustrations, but I think that the big picture was a slap in the face enough to show me she's never going to be happy with what I do. That doesn't mean I'm doing anything wrong. Making myself sick and having panic attacks that last for hours had very little to do with my decision. It had a lot to do with the judgments made on my course, because I have internalized this doubt about everything I do from outside. I faced her (well, phoned her), she told me all the reasons I shouldn't do this, listened to her judgments. And they were all pretty flimsy. So I felt what I felt, and heard what I heard, and in taking stock, I think it's a damn good decision I've made.

Comments

*My interests are worthwhile.*

Thank you. There are members of my family that I need to remember to tell this to.
I keep trying. She keeps not listening.
Oh, but she did suggest I join the Peace Corps. Or work for Comcast. I don't follow her logic most of the time.
Well, Peace Corps is not going to bring in the dough, at least not immediately. But your needs are definitely taken care of while you are there.
See icon.

I duly offer you advice from my grandmother:
"Do what you truly love, and the money will follow. If you genuinely love what you do, no matter how uncommon, people will recognize and appreciate that, and you'll excel at whatever you do."
Thanks. I know some people have supportive family members. I have supportive friends instead.

Nice.

Kinda proud of you.

Re: Nice.

Thanks. We've lost touch, and I'm the asshole. I've been a hermit lately, but I think you're genuinely awesome and I hope we can still be friends. (((hug)))