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led astray

January 2013

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oh, insight

So it could be that I’m objectifying men I find threatening into sexual objects, because in my mind, I have control over a sexual situation. Thinking about sleeping with someone could very well be a way I try to protect my sense of power when I feel otherwise threatened. Kind of like how they tell people with stage fright to imagine the audience in their underwear, but more twisted.

This gem came to me yesterday at work when I took time to dissect some distracting thoughts. It touches on some fundamental beliefs I carry, such as feeling in control (of other people) in sexual situations. Sex provides the safe "base" for me to operate from and return to to recharge. Taking away the thing that (almost) always makes me feel safe is, I'm sure, contributing to my emotional backslide. And this is exactly why I'm doing it. This adaptive behavior stopped being effective when I left mother's home. Sex was how I escaped her. It was the safe, warm, caring place I went when I wasn't home. These guys will buy me food and take me away from home, and all they want in return is sex? In my mind, that was a heck of a deal. But I don't need to run away any more. And the game has gotten a lot more complicated than trading sex for safety. I don't need to escape, so I want something different and more involved in my relationships with everyone. And safety means something very different to me now. As I evolve, so do my needs. So too should my behaviors. Trading sex for safety was so simple and fairly effective at the time when I learned it. .

So brain is going to go take a break now and knit a cozy for my awesome new toy! :-)


::big safe hugs:: Kudos to you for exploring the dark recesses of yourself.