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led astray

January 2013

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led astray

I don't know, and that bothers me.  I hate having to decide, because deciding takes away options and taking away options makes me feel trapped.  But I know that I am just as trapped in indecision.  So I made a decision.  And now the fallout.  I asked the right people the right questions.  I haven't heard back.  It's been less than a week.  I'm just nervous.

Home is kind of tense.  Hoyce and I have been grouchy lately.  I blame the dark of the year.  Summer wasn't long enough and the dark time came before we were ready.  We've been snippy.  My room exploded again.  I went through the "art supply" bins and threw out a bunch of stuff that I haven't touched in years.  That didn't help my floor to be more walkable.  

Oh, I'm guessing no sis visit this weekend.  That was an interesting conversation, let me tell you.  I decided after the work party that I needed to call my stepfather and get a final answer on whether or not my sister would be up this weekend.  He works nights, so I knew he'd be up.  This is 11:30 Wednesday night.  Lil sis was theoretically coming Thursday afternoon.  But at 11:30 the night before she was supposedly on her way, he still didn't know.  *sigh*  "I'll give ya a call tomorrow, ok young lady?"  Thanks for the patronizing, gee I missed it.   Then he goes into the bike situation.  (They have a bicycle that's perfectly functional, but no one uses and they want to get rid of it, meanwhile I've been wanting to get one.  Seems easy, right?  It's been a year now.)  He's offering to buy me a fucking Vespa.  I asked him not to.  I just want the bike you were going to throw away.  I didn't ask for anything else.  I mention my oath to myself to never rely on mother for anything ever again.  "This isn't between you and your mom.  This is between you and me."  WHY???  He's the kind of guy who buys things to relieve his guilt.  But the only thing he's promised me and could feel guilty about is not bringing the fucking bike up the last few times he was here.  Sh why now the urge to buy me a guilt gift?  I don't have a license.  I have no place to put a scooter if it rains or snows.  If I used it to get to work, it would cost me more money with parking, gas, insurance and maintenance On Top Of keeping a t-pass active for when it rains or snows and I can't use the scooter.  So I texted him that if he insisted on buying me something, I'd rather just have the cash.  But Thursday came and went and I haven't heard a peep about the bike, the scooter, or the sister, so I'm guessing she's not coming this weekend.  This kind of stress, running around, waiting, wondering, and arguing is a good chunk of why I didn't talk to them for 9 years.  And this isn't a stand-out occasion.  This is how they live.  And I fucking hate it.

Damn, I don't want to go to work today.  havetohavetohaveto  Fuck.  

I am feeling markedly Not Ok today.  Shit.

*(eta) And now chest pains?  wtf?


With all the anxiety, chest pains aren't surprising. Take it easy on yourself.
It's not a usual symptom, but it makes sense. Thanks.