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led astray

January 2013

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Oh, mental process, why the roller-coaster?  I like roller-coasters that run on physics, not the ones that run on emotional and mental upheaval.  Big difference!  I'm traipsing along the road of life.  It's time to take another step.  In the meantime, I'm standing on one foot trying to balance and figure out where to step next.  Precarious!  There are specific fears I encounter as I think about this.  
1) fear of not being good enough/qualified/smart enough
2) fear of being trapped: much like a cat, I want the doors open.  i might not want to be on the other side of the door, but damn it, i want the option!  picking one thing feels to me like losing every other possibility, much the same way i feel about monogamy.  it feels like shutting the lid on the box i'm testing
3) fear of continuing to be poverty-stricken.  what if the thing i decide to focus on (assuming an achievable level of competence) just isn't marketable?
4) fear of losing interest.  it's what i do.  i get into something(/one) very intensely and devote all my energy to that endeavor...but i quick ly run out of steam, interest, energy, and i find things left unfinished more often than not.  loosing interest means having to start over.  i'm already having trouble.

It's a bright, sunny, brisk Fall day.  No urge is stronger than the one to go back to bed.  I am exhausted.  I think the last couple nights of sleep have been crappy due to the rapid season shift (read as; fugging cold).  The ACs really are coming out of the windows this weekend, and the heater might need to be turned on an hour or so before time to get up.  I'm about to pass out and I've only been up for an hour (having had coffee, breakfast [warm Grape Nuts with dried berries and nuts, ftw], and vitamins).  Keeping the eyelids open is requiring Herculean effort.  C'mon, girl!  Where's that tenacity you so oft brag about having??  GETUPGETUPGETUP!!!

Seems the weeks leading up to this moment are all hitting me like a ton of bricks now.  I'd like it better if we could reschedule for tomorrow when I don't have someplace important to be.


::big safe hugs::

Sounds like the emotional bruise from last week is still developing.