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led astray

January 2013

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Last night was the bowling party.  I was nervous about going all day.  I didn't wear the ghetto costume I made, but making the costume bruised my thumb...right where a bowling ball would rest.  I had a full on panic attack on the way there, complete with not being able to catch my breath, dizziness, and urge to flee.  We got in, I had a few beers and got some pics and vid of the boys bowling in thier costumes.  We ordered a plate of bacon cheddar potato skins that I found to my dismay that I ate more than my share of.  And then it hit me.  I wanted to eat because I was nervous.  I wasn't hungry at all.  I downed the salty, greasy, tasty mess with gobs of sour cream.  Then the boys got called out to the lobby for round 2 of trivia and I sat there for what felt like an hour (was probably about 10 minutes) with thier beers and bag.  I wasn't upset with them at all.  However, sitting there alone spiraled quickly into not being able to handle my anxiety, so when they got back, I excused myself.  I am very appreciative that I got to go.  I intend to go again next year, in a costume that won't destroy my bowling hand.  I cycled through my usual coping strategies and they all failed me (meditating on the train helpped, but that didn't seem like an available option at the bowling alley).  I smoked before we left, I had some beer, I separated myself from the action via camera, I found a corner that wasn't in the way, and I even turned to comfort food.  None of it helpped.  I came home, read a bit, snuggled my Tink, and took up my most assured comfort, sleep.  I don't know what the fuck happened to me.  The day before that I had gone out to the rally alone and talked to strangers and had a good time.  Maybe I used all my Be-Ok fuel on that.

Today is supposed to be gorgeous.  I'm bringing in some cd's to get uploaded to the work server.  And I don't have to interact with most of the people I encounter.  This job is a good fit.  Now if I could get more pay, hours, and maybe a benefit or two...


Some days are good days, some days are bad days. The difference between then is sometimes imperceptible.
I wish I knew what would make one day better or worse than another.

Could be everything from how regular your schedule is for eating/sleeping to who you're going to be around and the perceptions of support vs. lack of support. Like for me, I can do much better around folks at Alliance, even if there are people I don't know or trust, but be triggered out the wazoo when I'm with people I trust implicitly - because I allow myself to feel the deeper emotions around those I trust, and not around those I don't. For me, it's about who I feel comfortable feeling shitty around - I'm more likely to let a shitty emotion come to the surface around people I trust with that emotion. Maybe it's similar for you.