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led astray

January 2013

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I don't want to go to work today.  This isn't exactly the same daily struggle to go be productive and responsible.  There is a real reason.  Cameras.  They're shooting a short film that will be on work's website.  I do not want to be filmed.  I'm not ready.  There's no script.  I really don't want to be filmed doing my job unless my job is to be filmed.  We are supposed to dress up.  Friday is usually casual day.  Yesterday was a badbad day, and I'm not sure about being in uncomfortabl clothes, feeling watched, and being generally uneasy for another 8 hour day.  But damnit, I've worked 3/4 of 1 day this week!  That's not enough!  Monday was Labor day.  I was going to go in, but tummy said no.  Ok, fine, I didn't have to show up on a holiday, good time to get sick.  Tuesday I was still sick, didn't go in.  Wednesday I had a med doc appt. at 10:15 and it didn't actually start until 11, then i went to work from there.  Yesterday was my regular day off, but full of nastiness.  Today there are cameras and tension on what is usually one of the least stressful days of the week.  I've been doing really well, but this week has soundly kicked my ass.  And I've discovered that Sylvan is better than all my previous therapists combined for leading me to new insights!  But also that accidental therapy during work hours makes things a little more difficult.  Insight happens when it happens, but I would rather it happen on the weekend.

My med doc has been really great...until this week's visit.  I made an appointment specifically to address taking Extacy while on my meds.  I had been thinking about it as a happy 30 years, never thought I'd make it this far gift to myself.  I asked my therapist to let the doc know what the meeting was about so he would have time to find an answer if he didn't know off the top of his head.  That was 2 weeks ago Tuesday.  I walked.  It was gorgeous out.  I got there with 5 minutes to spare.  I have never had to wait more than 5 minutes at this clinic waiting for someone to see me.  He was waiting for someone who was late.  Instead of seeing me in the mean time and letting the late person wait, doc waited and made me wait.  Ok, maybe it was important.  First offence, easily forgiven.  I get to talking with him finally, and hedoesn't have an answer for me.  Doesn't remember how E works, but doesn't think it will be a problem.  But, guy, I came here, with ampe warning, for the sole purpose of getting this question answered.  Getting annoyed.  But then he wants to talk about my pot smoking because my therapist mentioned it to him.  Fine.  As far as I'm concerned, it's doing well by me.  I get shit done, my anxiety drops significantly, and I think positively.  I do think it's a phase, but I don't think I'm out of it yet.  So he starts in about how they don't know what pot does to your brain, what it might do with my meds, ect.  Nothing really convincing.  His strongest point was that there have been 5, that's right 5 cases of people taking my meds and smoking pot developing an irregular heart rythem.  I don't feel any weirdness in my chest and I promise him that I'm not shy or shamed to bring something like that straight to a doctor.  Now for some history.  The med that changed it all for me is a tricyclic I'll call Med A.  Med B is an SSRI that didn't really help me.  I have been asking for months if it might be a good idea to drop Med B, since it's function, according to him, is to artificially bump circulating levels of Med A.  So I suggest maybe dropping Med B and increasing Med A.  Nono, he tells me.  If this works for you now, better not fuck with it.  Ok, fine.  You're the doc.  I asked at least twice since the begining of the year.  Now on Wednesday he decides, after utterly failing to come up with a sound reason for me to quit smoking pot (you shouldn't smoke anything, it's bad for your lungs.  If I could take it in pill form I would.  No one is gonna perscribe you that.  *shrug*  That's why I smoke it.), he holds over my head the med switch he's been denying me.  "I was gonna raisr Med A and get you off Med B, but I just don't think it's safe while you're still smoking pot" because of the 5 cases of heart oddity.  WTF?  Flat out NO when I asked him for months to make this switch.  He knows I want it.  And now out of the blue you're using my fucking medication as a bargaining chip?  Not ok, at all.  So I made an appointment next week to see my primary care doc and talk to her about it because med doc won't do anything but give me refills of my current Meds A&B until I see primary doc.  Fine.  I'm getting free care from the clinic, so if he wants me to make more appointments that someone else has to pay for, no skin off my back.  They do know what pot does to your brain, dickface.  They perscribe it as medicine for lots of ailments in places that aren't Puritanically stuck in the mud.  Fuck you.  Fuck your lack of concern for what could cause me real damage (E + Meds) and fuck you for focusing on something I feel better about putting in my body than my meds.  Fuck you for trying to bribe me with my own mental health to do something you were unable to convince me to do on your own merit.


Though I know this point was minor - if you get some gelatin caps, you can easily take marijuana in pill form. Lasts longer, too, and no shitty taste. That being said, the usual disclaimer of the knowledge that this is illegal, blah blah blah.

It's not ethical of him to have claimed the possibility of changing up your meds now that he's concerned about your marijuana use. The real issue with marijuana use, always, is addiction, plain and simple. He needs to be honest with you about that. Yes, it can screw with how you process medication - like ANY drug can, prescribed, natural, or illegal - but the issue is addiction. If he's not being honest about that, he needs to own his shit. He's giving you the run around rather than say what he really means, or he's using science as a scapegoat rather than address the real issue.

As for why he wouldn't switch up the A&B schedule. Some medications magically amplify how you absorb things. You could cut out Med B, and triple the dose of Med A, and possibly still not get enough of Med A to effectively treat you. As long as you know that going in, and be prepared to get back on Med B if the new plan isn't as effective, I don't see what his issue is. My doc would say, "If you want to, let's give it a try, with the acknowledgment that we turn it back around if it's not working."
Thanks for the suggestion. :-)

I know it's addictive. I probably, if I'm honest, meet the criteria for addiction now. I am using it as a crutch, like training wheels. My theory is that I need to learn how to change my thought patterns, since my illness miswired me. Right now, thinking positively is easiest when I'm high. It's still useful and not detrimental to my mental landscape. I smoke, then I get things done. It helps the things that suck and make me anxious seem less significant. I don't sit in dread and aggravation, not doing things, I just get up and get them done, because really, they're not so bad. The goal is to practice good habits and positive thinking until it stops being work. And then I'll only smoke sometimes as a treat. ;-)
The ability to see it as a crutch is monumentally helpful. I don't judge people for what they use, so long as they see it for what it is. I have my own crutches (AHEMCOUGH retail therapy and food COUGHCOUGH), and as long as you're aware of your use, it's less dangerous than merrily skipping down the path of "this is all perfect and wonderful, and everything's peachy as long as I'm on this chemical!!"

Healthy or unhealthy on the grand scheme of things, it's a coping skill. I'm willing to do some unhealthy coping skills to buy me time to practice healthier ones, and I think it's perfectly fair for you to do the same. You're conscious of it, and that's the most important part.
(((((BIGHUG))))) You're awesome!