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led astray

January 2013

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oh, day (at court)

You could have been better.  I suppose it wasn't the day's fault. 

Court is someting I have no desire to participate in.  Ever.  So when I blew off Jury Duty the first (and only) time, it was with a mix of spite and honest "oh, fuck, that was today??"  Well, it turns out they don't like that!  Who knew?  So I had to reschedule within a certain time frame or I was going to get arrested, or worse, fined.  Today was the day, the full of emptiness day.  I have some pretty bad anxiety stuff that definitely has specific triggers.  Being late is a big one.  So my lame ass gets there 45 minutes early.  They wouldn't even let us in the building until 7:30am.  Waiting drives me crazy with anticipatory anxiety.  Jury Duty is a whole lot of waiting.  But I knew this and came prepared with a book and a knitting project.  Yyyeah, clever me.  I should have brought a knitting project that wasn't half finished and a book that wasn't 4/5th done.  That's my brain power at 6am.  Oh, while you're waiting to be asked banal questions, why don't you smoosh onto this bench with these complete strangers (some of whom don't brush thier teeth I can smell from here).  By the way, we don't want anyone getting comfortable, so the AC is set to Root Cellar.

I discovered in the midst of all this discomfort and awkwardness that I still have severe reactions to being told what to do, where and when to stand, and fucking authority figures.  My defenses went from about a 2 to about an 8 (out of 10) instantly when I walked in and got an item confiscated.  I brought knitting.  I carry the tools.  I've been carrying around on my keychain what is to my eyes a pair of folding scissors, to this end.  But to them, it looks like a Swiss Army gadget (read, knife).  Well, shit.  Fine, I get why I can't have that in here.  Can I get it back when I'm done?  No?  Hell no, what was I thinking??  I wasn't happy about being there at 7:30 this morning either, sweety, but I was at least trying to be civil.  Woo! Tangent. 

And now I hesitate.  There are things i'm actively thinking that I'm not comfortable writing.  I know that that makes it something to examine more closely, which is why I want to have it put someplace.  I've touched on this before, but not at great length.  I don't know if this will be long or short.  Anyway.  When I was 17 I was raped.  It was several years later and with the help of a friend that I realised that was what to call what happened.  See, it didn't stand out as something foreign.  And here's where it gets touchy, I had experienced so much of having my feelings invalidated, that it seemed like just one more unpleasant thing I had to deal with while someone else denied what I was feeling.  It's worse to be tickled!  When I'm being tickled my body has involuntary reactions that make it difficult for me to breathe.  What sounds like laughter is really a convulsion of my vocal chords and diaphragm trying to call out and make words.  Tickling gives me a real and immediate sense of being in danger for my life.  I don't like it.  It's the most defenseless I ever feel, most immediately powerless, most violated.  I had so much power stripped away from me via invalidation, that I would cut myself as a means to exert control over Something.  So I walk into this courtroom and I know I'm not going to be on any Jury because I have particular feelings about cops, lawyers, and the whole fucking system, and someone in uniform barks that I need to stand because someone is...entering the fucking room...it gets my ire up.  When I am told what to do and told no, I feel violated.  I feel more violated having my power to sit and stand at my leisure taken away than I did when I was raped.  And I struggled with this feeling every second of the 8 hours I spent in that building. 

So yeah, I think I'm going to cheat on my "diet" and order something rich and tasty for dinner and have a couple beers and hit my pipe and I will see y'all on the morrow.