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led astray

January 2013

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oh yeah?


It's morning again, just like it was yesterday.  Cereal, coffee, vitamins.  Check the weather, blog a bit, freshen cat food and water.  I have developed something of a ritual.  It's just about habit.  Just about ingrained.  I am not yet standing.  It's almost time.  I'm afraid and excited.  I opened the door for intrusion, felt it almost immediately.  As soon as I got comfortable with me, I let someone else in and fucked myself up, got uncomfortable again.  No good.  Must stay isolated for a while.  Develop the habits.  Make a brain wrinkle called Me.  I had only just marked the space.  Definitely have to pull back some.  Star Wars tonight.  I almost want to give that up, too.  Almost.  The character doesn't really have goals.  I don't spend time during the week developing schemes and thinking about the weight of my decisions like I do at LARP.  It's mostly an excuse to hang out with casual friends and laugh.  We laugh a lot.  Our apartment laughs a lot, too.  I like that.


Taking the time to practice just being you can be monumentally tough, but so very much worth the time. I took almost a full year of not talking to most people before I was really ready to put myself into the flow of things.
It's crazy hard! I'm normally super-social. (((hug)))
For me, it felt like I cut my roots off in order to find myself. I just kept having to imagine myself like a little bonsai - I had to cut back in order to grow properly. Super frustrating, however worthwhile.