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led astray

January 2013

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led astray

the thick of things

In the thick of my crazy.  This is one of those times when I feel utterly alone and hopeless.  And there's nothing to be done.  I brought it on myself.  I walked down the Crazy path, all the while knowing that I was on the Crazy path.  and it makes me wonder if I have a sane person in here somewhere, or if I am doomed to be crazy and reenact crazy.  Breathe crazy.  Sleep crazy.  Much like Issy in her last days, the approach of any face melts into slavering puddles of flesh wanting to wrench my safety illusions away.  If i'm not getting better, what the fuck is the point?  If I can't be Not Crazy, why do I try to create this other life, this other mask to wear when the crazy is sleeping beneath the surface?  Why do I seek out the hurt?  WHy d I walk right into the trapped module knowing I don't have the skills necessary to disarm any of them?  AM I just comfortable with the chaos?  Is a regular life too much for me?  And then fucking Stained comes on my Pandora.  Thanks, universe, I wasn't feeling bad enough.  I want to be healthy and happy, but I'm out of weed and I bought a pack of cigarettes that I've gone through more of than I like.  I want to scream, but I don't want to be heard screaming.  I want to forget all the lessons I've been trying so hard to learn.  Fuck this.  I'm going to bed.

Comments

(((HUG)))
The point is that you keep trying. You either live with the Crazy, and be the Crazy, or you work to whittle away at its hold on you. The Crazy might be their own political party in your mental Congress, taking up many seats, but you can oust them one at a time. There's always one who remains, the Strom of the Crazy party, but they get quieter.

It just takes a few election cycles.