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led astray

January 2013

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led astray

I stayed home and hung out with the gathered roommies.  Still processing. 

Watching Thirteen Days (about the Cuban Missle Crisis) tonight.  Kevin Costner's New England accent is not good.

I have had some internal realizations the last few days (hooray for therapy being helpful) and making some adjustments.  The major points involve learning how to be not just single, but physically alone, no company.  Just me and Mags.  It's scary to lose the tether of another person to relate to.  I know how to relate to outside stimuli.  Internal motivation and relation are alien.  I get alone, I get scared.  Not afraid of something bad happening.  It's a fear of being lost.  The depth perception of my priorities gets skewed and I have all these things around me and they all seem just as important or relevent, I can't decide what to do, so nothing gets done.  I get lost in a sea of what I could be.  Can I sit in this space and do nothing, but as I sit in this space, I cannot be nothing.  The links between being and doing become heavy chains and even in making no decision I am being something and doing something.

Then there's the stuff about altruism, doing good for the sake of good with less and less involvement in a particular outcome.  Releasing expectation of reciprocity.  Giving without the desire for recieving.  How do I decrease desire?  Being happy with what I have?  That's part of it.  Not all, not all.