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led astray

January 2013

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animeface

pep-talk

It is going to be a scorcher today.  None of the AC units are in the wondows.  The apartment will be a nasty oven until the sun goes down.  Therefore, I should get up, get my shower and go in to work, where they have AC.  Yes, my tummy hurts, but going to work will make it Less miserable, on this particular instance.  People have been patient and good to me.  I need to walk like I talk and Take Care of My Shit.  Yes, it would be a great day to go swimming, however we do not know of an easily accessible place to do so.  Most people don't want to go to work, but they get up and do it every day because they have to.  I have to.  Why is this such a stumbling block for me?  I cannot do my job from home.  I seriously admire Hoyce's work ethic.  I used to have one of those.  When I was a teenager.  I had a bunch of sucky jobs that no matter how well I performed, it never got less shitty.  I think that I have this idea of work being sucktastic (fast food, retail, warehouse, ect), and not wanting to go because work = stress.  My job right now?  Not stressful.  The most stressful part of the day is the commute.  I go in, do a simple but necessary job, and listen to my headphones.  How hard is that??  It's not!  Not at all!  I can't even really complain about coworkers because I don't really talk to anyone unless they don't know how to use the mailer.  My boss is easy-going.  It's casual day.  Why don't I want to leave the house?  I'll make close to $100 dollars just to go listen to music and stuff envelopes today.  Wtf, brain??  This is not a traumatic experience in a shaken up soda can like some jobs have been.  It's easy.  Just get up and go.  Just get up and go.  Nono, don't blame the yarn.  I know it's nice, but we would have wanted to stay home regardless.  Get off your ass, get in the shower, get dressed, go.

In the mean time, I reached an insight on why I hate being alone.  It has to do with me building my Self based on my interactions with other people.  When I'm alone, I don't have the anchor of another person to hold onto a Self.  I don't have much of an alone self and it's scary.  I know who I am with other people.  I'm not really sure who I am when I'm alone, and that causes panic.  I started cultivating an alone self without really understanding what I was doing.  I rediscovered liking horror movies.  The knitting and spinning I do alone and with others.  I listen to music other people may not like when I'm alone.  And sometimes, I sing again.  I sing alone, when I think no one can hear me.  I try to sing softly.  I didn't really sing for a few years in there.  Starting again is a good sign.

Ok, and there is an example of how I rationalize procrastination.  I have Something Important come up to distract me from what I don't want to do.  Oh, patterns, you can't hide forever!  hehehe

Comments

*smile* *HUGS*

I'm with you right now about the anxiety over work, even though work is a good job and not (usually) difficult. Just not what I want to be doing anymore so it's getting more stressful to go. (Not that I could say what I want to do right now if I had a choice.)

And the part about being alone. I don't necessarily want to be doing something with other people, but I at least want to know they are there in case being alone with myself gets to be too much thinking or too disconnected. Sort of like Boo with closed doors. hee hee.

Hang in there. It's supposed to be a gorgeous weekend.
Getting into work is rough, but necessary. I found it almost easier when I had a stressful, but demanding, job because the pressure made it seem more important. Or something like that.

Maybe you can figure out how much you make per hour when you include commute time and sit there on the bus thinking, "I'm getting paid $X an hour to ride the bus right now" while commuting to work? That's something I did when I didn't want to deal with the bus.
After living in a hellish place for most of your life, once you realize you can choose to do something which is emotionally satisfying? It's hard to choose monotany and stress! It's something which needs to be done, however, on the days when it's a "this sucks" rather than "this will destroy me to do"

And ayup - it's tough to be YOU when alone. It takes practice.