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led astray

January 2013

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thoughts on a movie leading to a open letter that won't find its home


I am watching Dancer in the Dark.  It is inspiring in ways that are sad.  I remember playing the piano by memorization because I couldn't be bothered to learn to sight read the sheet music.  I wanted to play the saxaphone, but I was told girls don't do that.  I got piano and flute lessons, but I didn't appreciate them because they wern't the saxophone.  I didn't practice.  But I would sing.  I would sing and I didn't have to practice, I could just do it.  I didn't have to read or learn finger positions.  I just opened my mouth and music came out and people told me I was good. I loved the attention.  I had my own little musicals by myself in which my voice, some song I would sing, if I could sing it just right would make everything all better.  And I loved it.  I sang to birds just like in Snow White and Cinderella.  And I didn't mind being alone.  I would sing and make things better in my head for a little while.  I asked for voice lessons.  I begged.  No.  Piano or flute.  And I didn't practice them, so what was to make her think I would practice singing.  When someone was having a nap, or the neighbors were outside, I was terrified of making noise.  And I hated mistakes.  Perfection first and last.  If I couldn't do it the first time, I generally gave up.  That's how much I hated making a mistake.  But I mostly didn't make mistakes when i sang.  I felt full inside.  But I couldn't get voiclessons.  And when I offered that I wanted to be a singer when I grew up, only laughter and scorn.  "You can't make a living singing or acting."  But someone does.  Why not me?  Because, that's why.  I was told I can't until I couldn't.  And that's why you inspire me so much.  Why I admire the way you life your life.  You believe you can and so you do.  You live your dreams every day and I envy you.  It is so bright to see that possibility I dreamed of having been brought to life.  I see my dreams in you.  And I can't tell you.  But I can use the image you have given me of making things happen, of living the way you need to, as a foundational argument against the bitches in my head that still tell me it can't be done.  And I thank you for that.

Comments

Oh, you so can. Now go forth and do! /hugs
(((hugs)))
Huzzah! Go do it! :)